The Yearening is nearly upon us once more. i'm feeling anxious once more. Yearening Eve prompts thoughts of what could've been, what could be next time, what i've missed, what i'll hypothetically hit. i am realizing this paragraph would fit nicely in an ongoing novel, and will soon paste it there accordingly. multipurpose musings. what i must keep in mind is that i've effectively done multiple years' worth of a sane artist's work this year alone; i do not operate at a normal rate, and it has always been More Than Enough. the only regret worth having here is how much i harmed myself in the process. accordingly, i am dubbing next year the "YEAR OF SUSTENANCE", in reference to the following broad goals → to remain focused on the 'core' RJR experience, no longer gasping for breath in the sea of side-projects; to allocate adequate resources to recovery, preventing labor from coming at the cost of health; to rescind my life-long malnourishment, gaining weight in service of my physical transformation. above all else, i strive to be a HAPPY NUDE DEER.

okay that should be all for the novel-ish part. much later in the evening now. the other weird thing about a roxy new year is now making itself apparent: the silence. much akin to christmas, i am often one of the only people i know who has zero in-person holiday obligations to attend to, and as such, i am left in the digital dust. it's not anyone's fault, of course; i hold no resentment over this, but unfortunately, the night of December 31st is a less-than-ideal time for me to be left alone with my thoughts. i've had my fair share of reasonably populated 31st-into-1st online gatherings in the past though, so it's not like this is a universal fact of my life; this year just seems to be an unusually extreme case. hell, even my girlfriend is away from home tonight! and it's more of a shut-in than i am!

one of my typical digital new year traditions is shockingly banal: tuning into a live feed of the Times Square ball drop. that is like, the Default celebration in my country. and it's not like i have any particular stake in it; there's just something i find interesting about taking a brief peek into The Normal World as i put a given year behind me, taking this generic presentation as a fleeting moment of unity, as remnants of a long-gone monoculture, watching the randoms in chat go flying by. just now, i've taken a look a few hours in advance. most common messages are seemingly "67", "NO MORE BRAINROT", and "NO TRUMP". on-screen, there is what appears to be a recap of every month's tragedies, an unexpectedly dark twist in what i assumed to be a heavily sanitized event. i suppose 2025 feels especially deserving of this framing, but maybe that's just routine and i'm only seeing it for the first time.

on the opposite end of the spectrum, i've previously indulged in gimmicks such as:

• ejaculating as soon as the clock hits 12:00 AM (2018)
• synchronizing the drop of "Crab Rave" by Noisestorm with the clock hitting 12:00 AM (2019)
• relistening to the 100 gecs album "1000 gecs" at exactly 11:51:57 PM so the first thing i'd hear at 12:00 AM would be "PICK IT UP" from the intro of "stupid horse" (2021)

among others i'm surely forgetting. and while that stuff is definitely fun, i don't feel like doing any such gimmick this year. i just wanna live.