—oct 14 2026
reminder to everyone: please stop saying Consuming Media when what u really mean is Engaging With Art . do not rob yrself of your own agency .. and not everything is built with mere Consumption in mind
—oct 13 2026
goodreads finally added half-star increments and on one hand Great but on the other hand Fuck You for making me have to readjust my scale to a normal one ... at least i dont have many ratings on there yet but still ...
also the fact that there's quarter-star increments too is just preposterous. bit of an overcorrection there
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oh god youtube comments have the same reaction image shit that tiktok comments do now . i am so vindicated in my decision to disable them across my channel LMAO nothing good can come from further incentivizing thoughtless responses like that
—oct 12 2026
rest in peace rj mitte v_v
—oct 10 2026
i've gotten the Don't Forget edit of What Makes You Beautiful stuck in my head so many times that it almost makes me forget how the original song went
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oh hey its mlp:fim anniversary day again! 16 years jesus christ ._. that's like two thirds of my life ago
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gotta keep in mind that the lack of clinical recognition which bars "porn addiction" from being a thing also bars "social media addiction" from being a thing . tragically i must apply this principle equally btwn things i do & don't like .. but it;s fine bc it's not like there's any shortage of structural issues w/ social media to interrogate that don't rely on a moral panic about individual responsibility
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12 hours into big walk and i'm already convinced it's gonna be in like my top 5 games of all time
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it saddens me how the unforced errors contrapoints made in the last year-ish (or however long it's been idk time is fucked) stain the credibility of what i'd still overall consider a pretty important body of work :/ like i rly value the fact that coming across her vids in 2019 was a pivotal moment in reshaping my outlook on gender & politics for the better, and Twilight in particular i think is essential viewing on the subject of sexual fantasy . but i'm afraid that by even acknowledging that i'm gonna get side-eyed like Ermmm Is that a Liberal I Smell...
i really feel like that whole spiral could've easily been avoided if she'd just kept her answer to the 'why no palestine vid' question simple without veering off into a bunch of other tangentially-related grievances; simply explain how you don't have anything meaningful to add to the subject and leave it at that! i could certainly understand that in a vacuum given how i'm in roughly the same boat; my politically-charged works haven't rly touched on palestine (or any similarly beyond-my-area-of-expertise subjects, like ukraine or smth) either, not for a lack of caring but for a lack of much more to say than the obvious, which i think would come across more self-serving than anything when my capacity for accompanying Action is so limited atm. like, when nearly all i'm Doing is Being An Artist (and a rather obscure one at that), i should at least Have Something Specific To Say yknow? so i try to stay in my lane(s). the least shallow angle i could personally offer wrt palestine is just highlighting how evangelical christianity ties into the USA's structural support of israel, bc growing up i witnessed first-hand how in that belief system israel is viewed as The Promised Land and directly related to The Rapture, essentially making it a doomsday cult quietly predicated on genocide. which isn't nothing i suppose, so prhaps that angle will inspire smth more thought-out in the future, but u get the point ...
—oct 9 2026
sometimes when i spend a seemingly disproportionate amount of time debugging some shit in glassfog i gotta remind myself how hakita once said to me something like "protip: if you want things done in a timely manner, don't get into game development" . this is a normal part of the process
—oct 8 2026
BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: The Moment Undertale’s Anniversary Broke Me
just a remarkably cohesive video given how much larger in scope it is than the title implies . ill gladly listen to practically anyone yap abt undertale or deltarune for an extended period of time but this was def one of the most moving instances in recent memory, particularly in the last couple sections where it all really comes together and beautifully articulates jst what made that anniversary stream so affecting .. ended up crying lots ;_; especially w/ those etika clips played to emphasize certain points, u cant do that to me man!! simultaneously remembering etika & my formative undertale experiences genuinely fucking vaporizes me ttht is a downright dangerous emotional hack . but really i am grateful for th vulnerability of my sentimentality .. i will always take Feeling over Not Feeling any day. i want to Live.
sitting down w/ the concepts explored in this video also helped further solidify that my ultimate dream right now really is for GLASSFOG to one day spark that same sort of profoundly sentimental connection in other ppl, to "save someone's day" as toby puts it. it's a dream only growing more tangible by the day .. i would be so honored to carry on the life-changing game tradition in some small way . all of my artistic pursuits up to this point have been leading there, before i even realized it
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i am so lucky i built my pc right before the ""ai"" industry made everythign prohibitively expensive . The Last PC Ever
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for my sanity's sake i dont really want to be any more "famous" than like, vylet pony or patricia taxxon . if i ever surpass that point it might be time to start gatekeeping my own work
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the funny feeling i get from the bull of heaven guy becoming the ultrakill guy & the pony island guy becoming the inscryption guy must be the same feeling early homestuck fans have about "Radiation" becoming the undertale guy . it;s interestimg how quickly someone's best known Thing can change!
—oct 7 2026
had an epiphany about the god/thot bar earlier: you can almost make it make grammatical sense if you unabbreviate T-H-O-T so he's saying "i don't believe in that ho over there" but then that would seem to imply G-O-D is also an acronym which it isn't. so fascinatingly broken on a fundamental level
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piano :)
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restful sleep continues to be a myth
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the devious dialogic stutter returned in a whole separate system despite me using the same sorta wall of preloads .. BUT i had an epiphany in bed last night, and sure enough, the final thing i needed to do to fix it was change the Layout Node Behavior setting to "Hide" instead of "Delete" to ensure it's not being reinstantiated with every dialog box . thank fucking god glassfog is saved. i was THIS close to joining their damn discord server on an alt account for further troubleshooting and i really didnt wanna go that far
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love those now-rare moments where i can immediately tell some youtuber is still using vegas pro bc of a recognizable text/effect preset (or it literally being on their monitor) . i know what u are ...... i salute u even if i have semi-abandoned vegas myself by now (particularly on the filmmaking side of things; can still get use out of it for less resource-intensive projects)
—oct 6 2026
wonder how pony town is doing these days . just remembered it exists
—oct 5 2026
still cant get over how astronaut in the ocean simultaneously has A) one of the catchiest hooks i've ever heard and B) one of the worst lyrics i've ever heard (I believe in G-O-D / Don't believe in T-H-O-T [obviously. so many layers to this and all of them are maddening lmfao]) just crosses my mind somewhat often cuz putting that song & remixes of it everywhere became an in-joke w/ friends some months ago
—oct 3 2026
NOT TO KEEP HARPING ON ABOUT THIS BUT JUST ONE MORE THING (The shadowboxing demons are coming inside me again and requesting a followup):::::: one point i will concede wrt shayy's response is that it is indeed not a great look for them to be reinstating the videos that were previously taken down at the request of the ppl whose projects were showcased in them; like sure the vids are ultimately theirs and are fair use nd all that, but when the ethical issue being litigated in the first place pertains to Boundaries™, going back on fulfilling those requests would seem to run counter to the purported improvements & misunderstandings on that front, albeit on a far pettier scale . for me personally it;'s not enough to like, wholly nullify the Entire rest of their statement on principle, but it is perfectly fair to question and does further complicate things in a way that couldve easily been avoided. only time will tell where they truly go from here i suppose :|
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ths period of oct 2nd-4th is shaping up to be one of th most eventful weekends i;ve had in recent memory..!
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i haev fallen even deeper in love w/ big walk
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big bings are boming
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excited to see primetime shortly..~!
—oct 2 2026
Reconstructing Summer
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i love how the first single for reconstructing summer was released amid the tail-end of winter and then the next single was released as spring was approaching and then the album didn't release until autumn began . would love to say that was planned from the beginning but it wasnt
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the more i think abt it, the more i feel like the ultimate takeaway from the jacob geller news is that it pretty much just decreased the overall Good in the world with no tangible benefit to anyone >_> like people really aren't mad enough abt the fact that this was put on display by an uninvolved third party; what's happening rn can't even really be "justice" for the victim when said victim had nothing to do with it and in all likelihood has been put in greater danger by the sudden swarm of attention! so effectively all we get is a PR nightmare for geller's collaborators & rage fuel for random internet commenters that appeals to some abstract sense of Punishment, and i'm just not seeing how that improved anyone's material conditions at all.
i suppose this being such an unusual variation of an otherwise common situation might be what trips a lot of ppl up; like sure we've seen plenty of Male Public Figures Outed For Sexual Misconduct, but how often do you see that 1. the misconduct was mutually recognized as such the day after it occurred, so the perpetrator fully cooperated w/ the investigation & 2. when that comes to light a full decade later, it seems the perpetrator had already been on the path of rehabilitation in private this entire time, and still owns up to exactly what happened without any sort of downplaying or denial ? i honestly can't recall seeing another instance specifically comparable to that. but because ppl are (understandably) primed to expect Getting Away With Sex Crimes Consequence-Free While Denying It Every Step Of The Way from so many men in power who they'll never be able to meaningfully direct their anger towards, that pent-up rage can then manifest in response to smth with even superficial similarities.
so like, what are we actually looking for here? because i don't really buy into the notion that his worst crime must singularly define him for all eternity (or that it should have already defined him from the moment he began posting videos), given the known pitfalls of sex offender registries. so if he has indeed never done it again in all those years, and indeed continues to never do it again, while putting in serious effort to Do Good in general, what exactly is left to be done? is that not the most positive overall outcome one could hope for at that point? is that not the end goal of rehabilitation, even if his initial punishment was self-admittedly mild? i understand it's not the most narratively satisfying circumstance from the public's perspective, given that our newfound knowledge of the crime is still such a fresh wound, but i'm trying to think big-picture here. it's not like him getting loudly dropped from nebula or whatever is really assisting the victim either; it's another piece of the social media spectacle that protects their brand first and foremost. so idk! i don't have all the answers, it's just real depressing shit all around and no one's got anything to show for it. was simply an inevitability.
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On A Lighter Fucking Note i believe i may have figured out the cause of another nasty stutter in my game bc of the specific thing tht caused one to appear in a different scene .. will need to test that later but listening party is imminent rn ahhhh
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llistneimg party was super fun :D
the method i thought i identified to resolve the load stutter for a particdular thing did not work tho fuuuuuuck
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neocities.org will be going offline for temporary maintenance starting tonight at 10PM EDT... oh... that's 9/11.... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the loading time of the first major 3D scene i've built for glassfog could definitely be improved (adn i will be looking into an asynchronous loader specifically for those large scenes Soon, though will continue using the regular loader for 2D scenes since they're so lightweight) but i am relieved to have now at least resolved this issue where the music & sound n shit would start playing Before the loading screen unfroze and the scene actually became playable, and the funniest part is i only needed One Fucking Line Of Code to accomplish that . await get_tree().process_frame. shrimple as that
—oct 1 2026
glassfog's 'battle' system of sorts (known in-universe as Drama) is coming along remarkably well ..! bit under a week into the process adn it';s already decently close to having a fully functioning template to slot actual encounters into ^.^ for a time i was especially intimidated by th prospect of building it , given the heightened complexity of its logic relative to th rest of the game's foundation thus far, but it has been surprisingly manageable .. admittedly that's in no small part thanks to an example project file i found some time ago showcasing a similar-enough system tht i;ve been able to use as structural reference material, but th fact that i've demonstrated an ability to decipher third-party code and incorporate its broader Concepts into my own with a solid understanding of what does & does not apply to my use case is veyr encouraging i think . ths has been xcellent practice 4 me
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thinking more abt the point that the publication of a callout post is itself a moral failing; there is potentially an argument to be made that the continued proliferation of the exposé-as-default-conflict-resolution is more socially damaging for its societal influence than just about anything that even a legitimately abusive individual could do behind closed doors (not that abusive behavior isn't bad or damaging to the individual recipients of it, obviously, Read What I Am Actually Saying); it's essentially a panopticon of our own making, this looming threat of The Exposure that no one with even a pittance of a "platform" is immune to (see for instance: obscure reclusive experimental artist /f, once publicly tried for the so-called crime of posting taboo hentai in a small private adults-only chat), a threat only growing in its coverage considering how many people — especially kids/teens/young adults, understandably predisposed to Fucking Up (except now potentially in front of Everyone) as they learn to navigate the world — nowadays aspire to be some kind of online public figure. when all you know how to do is Expose, everyone looks like a Danger who must be Deplatformed, and seemingly nobody can be trusted. is that really the world anyone wants to live in?
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man weird timing to hear abt the jacob geller thing, right as i've been writing extensively abt some broadly related concepts. for that reason i feel some responsibility to articulate a clear position on this case .. for starters i definitely would not place it into the same category as the Google Dockey type shit i was previously referring to, given that this information comes from a formally conducted academic investigation (edit: and that he literally admitted to it on top of all that >_>); that's pretty obviously distinct from the inherently-skewed amplification of private interpersonal conflict or bad-faith weaponizing of distant past mistakes already apologized for which traditionally define a Callout Post™. so i'm very disheartened by the news as someone who always rly admired his work, and wherever that victim is today i hope they're not too shaken up abt this suddenly being put on blast seemingly without their involvement
the rest of my thoughts i can actually convey pretty effectively by quoting a remarkably well-said post i saw in a resetera thread abt the situation:
Brainfreeze said:i should especially emphasize that point near the end abt finding it "a profoundly depressing world view that all major crimes deserve permanent ostracization"; my hope that geller can find a healthy path forward (even if not necessarily in his current occupation; i can see how that would carry significant baggage) isn't coming from a place of like Omg I Need The Youtuber Man I Watched To Be Absolved Of Everything So I Can Be Comfortable Again, nor am i intending to downplay the severity of the trauma he inflicted; it's a more of a fundamental need for me to trust in the possibility of honest-to-god redemption lest i be driven mad by th wickedness in the world .. i simply do not believe in ontological evil on principle, because tht belief can lead you down some incredibly dangerous roads imo, and blind you to the sparks of good that exist in places you might not expect. hopefully tht makes sense v_v
I know the typical reaction when something like this happens is for a huge swath of people to 'throw the perpetrator in the trash,' and obviously on an individual level it's fine for any one to make that call for themselves, but I do think there can be more nuance to this for some people who were touched by his work.
It's not an easy discussion to have publicly, especially when the wound is extremely fresh, but I try to be someone that believes in rehabilitation and by all accounts Jacob has been a stand-up person for as long as he's been a public persona. This isn't a situation where suddenly a bunch of victims speak up about how he made them feel; instead, it seems that everyone that ever worked with him is completely flabbergasted. That doesn't make up for his crime or excuse it, but to me it does deserve a different reaction than someone who's actively an outright creep.
Part of the reason this situation is especially difficult is because the victim has been completely uninvolved, so we don't know how they feel about any of this. I can't imagine how they must feel to see this all happening out of no where. Hopefully today gives them some sense of justice they didn't get before, but having it sprung on you must be a nightmare. So, most of all, I hope that is respected. But, in the abstract, I'd also like to believe that this situation doesn't inherently mean that Jacob has to be damned forever to have every relationship severed and all of his work live in complete obscurity.
I have absolutely no idea what steps Jacob can take next to earn back trust, but I want to be open to the idea that it is possible, however difficult and long that road may be. I think the outlets are making the right call to cut ties with him right now, and I know Jacob's well-being is far from the current highest priority, but personally I'd like to maintain that bit of hope in all of this. It's not that Jacob inherently deserves anyone's time, energy, or grace, but I do find it to be a profoundly depressing world view that all major crimes deserve permanent ostracization (especially when guilt by association comes into play).
I know most of y'all have no interest in what Jacob has to say now, but I hope he can still put out a decent statement that shows who he is now and, eventually, what steps he plans to take next.
—sep 30 2026
was not expecting to wake up to find a longform video response from shayy today 0_0 (And Again, The Following Observations Are Not A Defense Or Endorsement Of Wrongdoing On Their Part)
after having watched it in full — albeit on 2x speed, but keep in mind i do that w/ basically Everything on youtube and have no real trouble processing speech even on that setting — i haev come to the conclusion that this response seems Pretty Good given the circumstances. the few really serious allegations amid that clusterfuck of a document were compellingly addressed w/ counter-evidence, the actual remaining mistakes on their part were admitted to & apologized for, they're pledging to keep a greater personal distance between themselves & their audience, and the embarrassingly large chunk of trivial bullshit likely only included to jack up the total page count was rightfully recognized as such, although not with the harsh language i'm using right now :P
i am thoroughly unsurprised to see this response being instinctively dogpiled from the moment it released, long before anyone could have possibly taken the time to watch it, flooding the comments with snarky dismissals, shitposts, regurgitations of points that were directly addressed in the response (Which They Would Know If They Actually Watched The Damn Thing), harping on the "262 pages" meme as if page count automatically indicates ontological evil no matter how many of those pages were padded w/ frivolous nonsense, and quoting fucking Genocide Sans Undertale as an incongruently quirky way of telling shayy not to come back, all trivializing a serious subject in the process of asserting their moral dominance over an Acceptable Target everyone already made up their minds about months ago. shayy's attempt at relaying their side of the story is naught but fuel for drama content farms and the well-oiled outrage machine that financially powers them. funny how the fandom of a game so centered around the concept of Mercy is this goddamn merciless!
with each passing incident of this nature, i am only emboldened in my position that the callout format is a complete bastardization of the concept of "justice", and i will continue hammering home this point for as long as it takes for us to wake the fuck up to that fact. from its inherently one-sided nature insidiously concealed by the appearance of comprehensive detail, to its immediate control over the narrative prompting either a fast messy response or a slow discarded response, to its flattening of the complexity of relationships into an easily-digestible Abuser/Victim dichotomy no matter the context, to its opposition to rehabilitation and impossible-to-define idea of "accountability", to its Content-compatible sensationalism and publicizing of issues that often could've been resolved in private, and other such structural flaws i am surely forgetting at the moment, i truly cannot think of a single net positive outcome that has ever resulted from one of these stupid fucking posts, and i would honestly consider the writing & publication of one to be a moral failing in and of itself, one i myself have unfortunately been guilty of multiple times as a teenager. one of the greatest tragedies of the current internet landscape imo is how deftly woven into the online social fabric this way of ""resolving"" conflict is, how willing people can apparently be to just silently keep their discomforts to themselves and weaponize the results of their own poor communication skills as retroactive Evidence of malice as soon as the opportunity to destroy someone arises. fuck all of that shit to hell and back. enough is enough
—sep 29 2026
i haev decided to just universally disable comments across my youtube channel simply bc i do not feel like taking even a little bit of time outta my day scanning for th kinds of Bad-Faith Actors™ tht in my experience have a noticeably greater chance of occupying that section than on other platforms (again, i am baffled by how perfectly fine & normal my time on instagram has been for example..!) . last time i even checked the tube was weeks ago , and i receive my fair share of genuinely thoughtful fanmail elsewhere anyway, so might as well kill off th least useful of the outlets, in a similar manner to how i fully ditched xitter
ii think we as digital-age creatives too often forget that we Can in fact just kinda Opt Out of certain subsystems that are particularly conducive to counterproductive engagement , prhaps out of fear of being seen as cowardly , as per the age-old "You blocked me therefore I am correct" fallacy for instance .. so i seek to set an example of sorts
jacksfilms said it best in "Whore" vs. "Who're"; "the comment section is where joy goes to die"
—sep 28 2026
i dont mind that godot games are apparently super easy to decompile cuz i like knowing that the amusing names i sometimes give to my nodes & variables & functions nd such will eventually be seen . i write these things fully aware of a hypothetical future audience (though not solely For them of course; the enrichment of giving stuff funny names is an important part of boosting morale during work~! some days ago i named an area collision integer variable "times_hole_was_filled" which made me giggle adn thats all that matters)
—sep 27 2026
doing ui design for glassfog has made me realize my stream layout would look craaaaaazy if i was a streamer (still not doing that shit tho)
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i can tell my dad has fully recovered from the withdrawal lobotomy bc he's right back to being incredibly loud & belligerent like always, wholly ungrateful for the caretaking that carried him back to lucidity
there was a time where it seemed him having a near-death experience of sorts made him reconsider some things but NOOOOOPE so i am never entertaining that thought again lmao
it still just confounds me though, that it is even possible to be This set in yr ways . he can theoretically change just as much as anyone else can, but from the bottom of his heart he has fundamentally rejected that possibility time and time again, no matter the stakes, no matter the existentially horrific prospect of leaving behind a legacy solely defined by just how much of a fucking asshole you were . spiritually he is already dead and evidently has been for decades. such a profoundly miserable existence. him actually dying would be Merciful at this point
—sep 24 2026
INTERMISSION 1 of glassfog is officially for-realzies complete as of yesterday (and by "yesterday" i mean the night of the 22nd (it is 2:22 am rihgt now))
wait no i just remembered it actually was finished yesterday as in the 23rd rather than the night of the 22nd because there was an idea i spontaneously had from testing a thing whihc i then proceeded to implement. silly me
(that final finishing touch i implemented was of the 'probably-obscure series of events triggered by a rather specific circumstance' variety)
WAAAAAAAIT NO the finishing touch im talking about WAS done the night of the 22nd. "today" was the 23rd (when i just finished this reconstructing summer track). wow my sense of time is fuuuuucked (though to be fair it is much harder to keep track of "yesterday"/"today"/"tomorrow" when yr sleep/wake schedule crosses the midnight barrier by a substantial amount. been having this struggle for years)
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i;m 4 for 4 on being chill about recent nighttime home centipede sightings . Growimg and changing as a person
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another summer track down (the easy one) ... all thats left to do is lyrics/vox for the closer
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"separating the art from the artist" is another endless point of debate that couldve very easily been avoided by not choosing such a vague potentially misleading phrase as the premise . like all art has some amount of the artist baked into it in some way or another That's How Art Works so JUST SAY WHAT YOU REALLY MEAN (that appreciating the creative work of someone with whom you have ethical disagreements purely for its artistic merit is not automatically a tacit endorsement of everything they've ever said or done, which i'd think/hope any sane person could agree with)
—sep 21 2026
BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: United Clan of Roblox Private Meeting 13/05/2011
such a funny artifact omg. so like what clearly happened here is this person got kicked from the server with an admin script, but a very exploitable quirk of that back then was how you could still see what's going on in chat for as long as you leave the game window open . so electricfirebolt over here decided to record and Leak Exclusive Intel from this Top Secret Roblox War Clan Meeting as if any of it mattered
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lowkey paper towels should probably just be illegal. what can they do that isnt also accomplished by a washrag or a similarly Not Disposable cleaning apparatus
edit: Sory guys gotta retract this one .. my dog-owning girlfriend is trying to cancel me for it :/ Something about pee.. :/
—sep 20 2026
my dad is having to wear Depend Adult Diapers now and all i can think is "lol infinite jest reference"
—sep 19 2026
i always had a good feeling abt big walk but i was not expecting my first impression to be like This Is Probably Gonna Be One Of My Favorite Games Of All Time level of good feeling liek damn . exciting !
—sep 18 2026
amazed that i just saw someone genuinely ask about furry stories "Are chickens in this universe not anthropomorphic but instead just regular-ass chickens, and if so, why do they coexist with anthropomorphic versions of other animals?" because that's like exactly the same argument creationists make abt human evolution LMAO
—sep 17 2026
newsletter should be soonletter
—sep 16 2026
shoutout to the artists withdrawing from the ed sheeran tour over his complicity in the silencing of pro-palestinian sentiment ! always refreshing when ppl who believe in nothing actually face some sort of tangible consequence for their spinelessness , while those who Do believe in something are rewarded . a very necessary source of hope amid an insincerity crisis
—sep 15 2026
happy 11th undertale ♥
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i wuv my fwends:)
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i want to laser beam the term "gock" out of existence it;s so ugly ... "girldick" (or basically Anything Else) was working perfectly fine until this beast came along and caused a ruckus
Cis Allies Reading This, Here's How You Can Make A Difference: someone start a psyop claiming that gock is actually an obscure slur so everyone will stop saying it . it kinda sounds like one anyway tbh i'd be inclined to believe that
—sep 14 2026
i wish restful sleep was a real thing . unfortunately it is pure fiction
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"dry humor" implies the existence of wet humor
—sep 13 2026
touhou and its consequences have been a blessing for my compositional intuition
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i dont think ill ever want to be Done with something more than the fuckin boh video . over 6 years is jst such an absurd amount of time to be constantly haunted by smth as relatively trivial as a youtube video :/ but i know no one can do it like me so it;s jst like this unwanted destiny yknow . feel like ralsei w/ The Prophecy rn. sucks that the mere thought of my favorite band stresses me out instead of brings me joy
—sep 10 2026
MERRY KIRKMAS! 1 yr since i made that pivotal decision to take a 2-week detox and charlie immediately got kirked and the usamerican far-right lost grip of its cultural capital once more in light of absolutely no one taking the aforementioned kirking seriously . we did not in fact just create "a million charlie kirks" when all was said and done; i think it is clear by now that i was incorrect in my initial apprehension wrt what the consequences might be. rest in piss bozo
—sep 9 2026
not getting to see swans live during their final 'big sound' tour might haunt me for the rest of my life (in much the same way that not being allowed to go see porter robinson during the nurture tour is still haunting me)
shearling please save me...
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fun fact: one time as a kid i genuinely had a 'steel heavier than feathers' moment liek that limmy sketch; in my case it was my mom asking me whether "a pound of bricks" (only a pound??) or "a pound of feathers" was heavier and i chose the bricks and apparently that was a test of my autism and i gave the autistic answer
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perhaps my funniest vocal stim is saying "whewsauce, whewchael here" as an expression of relief, which would seem to wrongly imply that the original vsauce intro is either "hey vsauce, v-chael here" or "hey misauce, michael here"
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it is definitely way past time for "slop" as a compound word suffix to officially be retired
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this live transcription thing in th new apple watch's "Audio Intelligence" is eerily close to a technology described in chapter 1 of tht absurdist dystopian novel i have in-progress . cant believe Nonerusted is already having its first 'torment nexus' moment
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also happy cirno day And deprivia day
—sep 7 2026
too many tumblr users reeeeeally love speaking in absolutes . only there will u find the take that dropout dot tv is NOTORIOUS for RAMPANT TRANSMISOGYNY and when asked for a citation literally all they've got is a singular contextless clip i dont even recognize which i guess could be read as off-color if you're actively looking for it ??? th feeling of ppl being disproportionately offended on yr behalf is very amusing
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getting dangerously close to finishing all of th gameplay-oriented note-taking for [GAME I HAVE NOT YET REVEALED THE TITLE OF {Stay Tuned For Newsletter}]
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SONG OF THE DAY: ZUN - Hartmann's Youkai Girl
reaching touhou 11 in my mainline series playthrough really reignited my obsession w/ this track ! always been one of my favs
—sep 6 2026
last night my gf randomly blurted out that northernlion had been assassinated by a hitman adn for some reason she instinctively doubled down that it Wasnt a joke adn i was so confused because it really sounded like she was joking adn it was th funniest shit cannot believe i fell for it
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ohhhhhhhh man this advert (and seeing all the ppl eating it right up) pisses me off ~! it is exactly wht i was afraid might happen in the wake of Frutiger Aero™ becoming one of th very most popular aesthetic-oriented subcultures: brands cynically capitalizing on the collective nostalgia with bare-minimum effort & taking back this widely-beloved design language for themselves .
the counterargument to this goes "but it was always a corporate aesthetic! they invented it!" and like yea duh that isn't lost on me -_- but th point ive been trying to make for years is that after its corporate practitioners universally abandoned it, the design language we now refer to as "frutiger aero" was essentially orphaned, no longer strictly a mere facet of contemporary advertising, but free for anyone to play around with & iterate on at no immediate risk of coming across as generic! so if/when corporate marketing begins seriously pivoting back to their prior design choices on account of renewed public interest, we lose that independent spark, because it's simply not cool when they do it! they don't deserve to utilize such pleasant imagery, and frankly they never did! so let them be boring! their design should continue reflecting the banality of their evil, because at least that's fucking honest! stop giving them ideas!!
—sep 5 2026
insect repellent? uh, yeah, i've always found them repellent
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lowkey the r/dogfree people have some points when they arent just on some cartoon villain joy-hating shit . dont love being around dogs especially th ones that SUCK but like im not Angry At The Mere Sight Of One. just stick to the sanitary concerns / horrid sound of barking / unethical breeding practices / general insufferability of some owners / etc
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damn kitkats r yummy
—sep 4 2026
the th10 extra clear draws so veyr near..... i amn improving rapidly....... (EDIT; I DID IT)
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watching the scott the woz video abt mobile gaming and just had the terrifying realization that the candy crush guy pretty much ticks all the boxes of a tumblr sexyman and ive just never seen anyone capitalize on that . different audiences i suppose. they simply dont know...
—sep 3 2026
today marks at least the third (maybe fourth) time i have spotted a video in my watch later tab that i 1000% have never seen before let alone added to the playlist. really fuckin creepy how youtube evidently has a hidden gaslighting feature to trick you into Watching More Videos
it's so sneaky too! like it's never at the very end, it's never the most recent addition, it's tucked away somewhere in the middle just as if it's been there the whole time. genuinely no other explanation for this
whats also creepy is that it can recognize my interests and specifically choose what fake additions to put in based on that, like this time it was a TF2 Iceberg video, and that was correct insofar as i am extremely interested in tf2, but incorrect insofar as i am largely uninterested in iceberg videos . i am being slowly forcefed shitty recommendations when ive done everything in my power to remove them from the site entirely
also the fact that i've not been able to find any other corroboration of this phenomenon makes it evn more unsettling. am i part of the world's smallest a/b test or what . even my girlfriend was skeptical NO ONE BELIEVES ME YOUTUBE WANTS ME TO SOUND DELUSIONAL !!!!
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only jst found out yesterday there's an Amorous 2 being developed adn thought it looked neat only to quickly realize Oh .These art assets have definitely been churned out by a diffusion model 💔 (allegedly placeholder but I kinda don't care? i think it's a red flag to resort to that as a shortcut of Any kind . like in the context of placeholders it may not necessarily be an intrinsic cardinal sin but it sets a worrying precedent for what Else you might be willing to outsource to The Regurgitator 9000 yknow ? it breaks a fundamental trust btwn artist & audience . even ms paint scribbles r vastly preferable if u have a shred of dignity
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a fun reason for me to continue abstaining from alcohol & narcotics is to dispel any possible remaining notion that Weird Art must be a direct result of the artist Consuming Substance (even if barely anyone makes such remarks nowadays)
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the one thing that bothers me abt the name of ptaxx's side-channel (Puppyhelic Triangle) is the VERY EASILY SOLVABLE syllabic mismatch btwn it & the autechre track title it's riffing on . literally jst change "Puppyhelic" to "Puphelic" so it's 3 syllables like Parhelic and no meaning is lost in the process.... splendid choice of track to reference but damn!!!
ok now that im seeing it written out im realizing perhaps "Puphelic" was deliberately avoided because of its resemblance to the "philic" suffix which has negative connotations ?? but idk its not like a channel name immune to misreading would stop ppl from being insane abt her >_> prolly doesnt matter either way
—sep 2 2026
finishd that new danfango ytp and i think it;s safe to say that was probably th greatest ytp i've ever seen . pushes th boundaries of the genre while still never losing sight of its roots, forming a gloriously unpredictable clusterfuck equal parts hilarious & strangely beautiful, made especially profound of an experience w/ jst how Interconnected everything is, both in its self-referential nature adn constant building of parallels btwn disparate sources, an effect i've never rly seen utilized to this extent anywhere else . sseriously incredible work ii am so grateful for it
—sep 1 2026
i 23 now
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BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: SHOW THIS TO AN UNDERTALE FAN IN 2016
absolutely losing my shit at this waht th fuck is happening here
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delightful birthday gift: getting word that my father might finally be approaching death's door for real, reporting significant chest pains after a series of various other complications and generally behaving unusually sickly . Sweet Release Draws Near
also funny to hear this almost exactly 1 year following the release of the album wherein (among many other things) i diss the shit out of him
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game of thrones foot fetish parody: game of toes
(never watched game of thrones btw) (largely ambivalent to feet btw)
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they werent kidding about boob growth giving u free stim toys cuz i have never stopped absentmindedly grabbing them adn marveling at their softness
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this date also marks 10 years since my first major Insect Trauma Incident (waking up on my 13th birthday to find ants all over me and my bed)
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that "OwO Rune" channel is rly fascinating to me cuz it's an exceedingly rare instance of what i'll tentatively call "Soulful Slop", like structurally it is a kind of content farm but the content is seemingly born of a homemade randomization system of sorts with customizable parameters, making th whole thing more of an esoteric prolific passion project than a strictly financially-incentivized dumping ground .. "unfavorable semicircle" comes to mind as another possible example, albeit very tonally distinct in its Mysteriousness. but hoepfully i am making sense~!
—aug 31 2026
BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: We Live inside a Little Pony Dream Castle
ANOTHER PERSONALLY SIGNIFICANT GRAND RETURN WTF IS HAPPENING!!!!! i am still in absolute disbelief that i woke up to find out my all-time favorite YTPer suddenly dropped a FEATURE-LENGTH YTP 10 YEARS AFTER RETIRING & REMOVING EVERYTHING & PIVOTING TO ANIMATION INSTEAD .adn there;s so many little callbacks to the old ones and it;s so surreal nd feverish nd makes briliant use of other fav shows of mine (namely better call saul & twin peaks) afakdfkjgdf HOW IS THIS REAL THANKU DANFANGO im taking this as an early birthday present
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oh what the fuck man even youtube's subscriptions page (My One Safe Haven; i have the home page & sidebar recommendations entirely blocked with an extension) is getting algorithmic bullshit injected into it with a ""Most Relevant"" section shoved in the middle of the Latest (what im actually there to see .) more and more modding is required for this godforsaken platform to be usable
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we need to see my game on an Irredeemable Media list when the time comes
—aug 30 2026
LEADING CAUSES OF HEARING DAMAGE:
- accidentally dropped toilet seats
- the bark of the indisputable worst dog breed (chihuahas)
- iphone timer noise inexplicably playing 4x louder than normal despite the phone's volume being unchanged
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funny to learn abt a scrapped portal 2 mechanic thats identical to a mechanic in my game xP (the time slowing key) ;; heres hoping i dont need to scrap it too!! (the fact that neither of my testers so far used it at all may not be a great omen tho...)
—aug 28 2026
stormz shall be weatherd..!
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the existence of "twitter.now" is rly funny to me, like evn setting aside the obviously LLM-infested writing of the landing page, it's so conceptually broken; th idea tht there was anything sacred abt twitter itself prior to the muskification is laughable, like it was already well on its way toward being an absolute hellhole by ~2017 in my experience . the interconnected microblogging format is what created the insidious incentive structures to begin with !!
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been discovering lvls of compositional prowess i did not fully know i possessed .. exciting~!
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its lovely how air conditioners double as a tinnitus accessibility feature . thank u for the noise
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BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: sea life
return of the king ... quite a whimsical one here
—aug 27 2026
rngdle is so stupid adn so wonderful. only good claude website
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important revelation from a bedtime convo w/ gf last night: instead of 'fix-it' fics ppl gotta start investing in 'break-it' fics because imagining ways that ur favorite works couldve created a Worse experience is way funnier
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tfw even being away from home with only a laptop in place of computer access still hasn't gotten me to do much boh video scriptwriting
im trying tho..!
—aug 26 2026
it's a shame that The Boys wrapped writing (and presumably most of production) before it would've been able to feature a We Are Charlie Kirk parody . they'd totally do that
—aug 25 2026
since going to bed last night i;ve been having a touhou equivalent of the tetris effect . liek seeing an endless stream of bullet patterns when i close my eyes. didnt even know that was a thing that could happen here but i kinda love it ! quite mesmerizing
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somethign wonderful is brewing in th soundtrack again...
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possible method to dampen the impact of disturbing or otherwise unpleasant intrusive thoughts: immediately following one up with deliberately absurd comical variations, thereby placing them on an even playing field of nonsense and ascribing no undeserved weight to the starting thought
(example thought process that made me come to this conclusion: what if i threw my girlfriend's phone into her toilet --> what if the toilet water just flew out of the toilet on its own like it was self-waterbending and attacked the phone head-on . Both Thoughts Are Stupid)
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@EMBEEAY 4 hours ago
The truest way to honor Dolly would be to spread the exact same love, respect, kindness, authenticity, and wit that she gifted us all
—aug 24 2026
my gf's new home having a piano is so huge for me like i haven't gotten to mess around with one since i was a kid at my bigoted grandma's house (can't return there for obvious reasons!) so this is basically my first time physically playing one after becoming a musician . major opportunity for me to engage in the Stumbling Into Something That Catches Your Ear method of improvisational songwriting .. plenty of future demos & subsequent tracks to come out of this im sure, might already have a couple
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HOLY SHIIIIIIIIT touhou imperishable night is the coolest thing ever
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its rly funny how p much all of the ppl who obsessively check the canonical wiki ages of every fictional character in history to determine which ones ur allowed to jerk off to will Also just flat-out discard that metric whenever it becomes inconvenient for their argument (i.e the character being a 100+ y/o nonhuman entity or w/e), like that totally gives the game away! ur admitting it's all just vibes! so who are u to be The Vibe Police
on a semi-related note: it's also extremely funny to me seeing at least a handful of ppl categorize pink from deltarune ch5 as unethical faps, cuz like.. we're talking about A Fictional Character Who Is a Magical Anthropomorphization of an Inanimate Object Currently Inhabited by a Ghost of Unspecified Age and Modeled After an In-Universe Fictional Character of Unspecified Age (But She [The Object {A Figurine}] Says ”Let’s Go Back to School” Like Literally Once So Yep Okay High Schooler Confirmed I Guess [Except Not Really Because That Line Could Just as Easily Mean She’s a Graduate Who Wants to Go Back for a Do-Over or Some Shit, Further Indicated by the Line ”I Don’t... Even Go to School Anymore...”}]) . that is SOOOO many layers of abstraction and STILL some r willing to dig thru ALL of them just to find a sliver of a trivial moral high ground. at this point it's almost impressive! imagine if theyd dedicated the effort of those mental gymnastics to like, literally anything else that was actually productive. have u tried bringing joy to this world instead of sewing strife over nothing
i think it would also be funny if i never canonized any characters' ages or age brackets in my game whatsoever and just let ppl fend for themselves on this front. i wanna see what happens when they lack the moral spoonfeeding . how will they fold under the pressure .. they need to be studied in a lab . (though if an age-revealing/implying subject does happen to come up in the writing process then whatever, i'm not actually going to strictly hold myself to that if it comes at the cost of a good story :P would jst be an amusing social experiment if it does work out as i hope .. we'll see wht happens~!)
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the youtube collaborations feature could be pretty cool at times if nobody was abusing it as a way of forcing videos from their slop channel into the feeds of people subscribed to their main channel . im still an ardent believer that it should only show up in my sub box if im subbed to All channels involved
—aug 21 2026
crazy how chad warden famously said the wiimote looks like a dildo but then the playstation move would go on to look even more like a dildo
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after a couple days of trying various things i finally resolved a nasty little stutter in th game caused by the dialog plugin im using .. what pushed it over the finish line here was actually just expanding on the existing solution; yesterday i found that for some reason godot's built-in preloader succeeds where the plugin's own preloader fails, and today i jst added all the remaining style assets to that preload function and now the lag spike has officially fallen beneath the red line of imperceptibility . here's hoping it'll remain that way even in the (relatively) more graphically intensive parts of the game >_>
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i think i'm doing a pretty great job so far of having that same effect on ppl that neil cicierega has where it's like wtf you made that too??
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seriously the narrative reverse engineering via music method is insane; i jst stumbled into a new demo by doodling some notes on th keyboard to test out a new plugin ,and thru that demo i had an epiphany unveiling like a third of the entire game's core story beats
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out of curiosity i tested the one completed 3D portion of the game on my shit of ass laptop ill be using while im away and the fps was indeed noticeably lower but it didnt seem unplayable at least! (was harder to tell how it is gameplay-wise without a mouse connected tho cuz that shit is Not meant for trackpad)
overall not very alarming bc i must stress the laptop in question really does Suck. cpu on that thing is ~1.9GHz , so im told by dxdiag. and i am content w/ the prospect of my game not running flawlessly on a potato. like sure it would be Nice if it ran perfectly on everything but i do also want it to look pretty where needed! adn its not like i plan on going crazy overboard current-gen AAA-style on that front; at most i'm looking to imitate xb360/ps3-era graphics, wherein low detail doesn't matter so long as uve got hella post-processing (yayy bloom i love bloom :3
—aug 20 2026
the few times i've successfully collaborated in music in a timely manner i chalk up to Small Miracles Of Shared Fixation. outside of those precious alignments of the stars, you get situations such as the one i am currently in (i have been procrastinating on sending someone a verse for 3 months and have nothing to show for it and if i don't suddenly cram it in within the next ~36 hours then it is going to be at least another 2 weeks while i'm away from home)
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sudden childhood memory reappearance from smth mentioned in vc: one of the 2 irl friends i ever got to have over at my place as a kid would exclusively pronounce Marth in smash bros like "Mirth" and i either never had the heart to correct him or he simply didn't listen
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my eternal gratitude to the porn artists who generously provide textless alts of works w/ intrusive text
—aug 18 2026
incomprehensible faps. unprecedented faps. auteuristic faps.
—aug 17 2026
smth abt the newness of entering game development has given my life a heightened sense of purpose in ths moment .. not to say it was previously devoid of purpose by any means, more like i've unlocked some secret grander level of purpose i didnt know was possible ?? the unprecedented scale of the project relative to my prior works inspires absolute devotion
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things i will never understand: migrating from rateyourmusic to an alternative that's worse in nearly every conceivable way (whether that be albumoftheyear or ""musictaste.xyz""; pick yr poison) over some policy squabbles that u could've directly influenced bc rym is basically the only website left that actually listens to feedback . like yea let's just throw away the site w/ 25+ years of established work and make our own COOL KIDS CLUB instead to PUNISH them for MILDLY ANNOYING US that sure is productive
(that's all coming from a former aoty user btw! aoty was actually the first music site i ever used before i discovered rym . so this is not a matter of Brand Loyalty or w/e)
[also i will reiterate that rym definitely has its issues i hav never denied that~! i myself put extensive effort some yrs ago into arguing against their incredibly anti-art metadata formatting standards {particularly wrt capitalization} . at the same time though i do not let a handful of individual issues ruin the entire experience for me when it is otherwise a remarkably well-maintained & useful cataloging/discovery resource]
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squabbles...now thats a fun word... Squabbles!
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grahhhg i love this song i jst made for the game so much i just keep listening to it instead of thinking about where the hell its actually gonna appear
wait! urethra! it actually did occur to me on the umpteenth listen.. i see the vision...
see this is a great thing abt being ur own composer: u can just kinda reverse engineer climactic moments by writing the song first and imagining what could accompany it . utilize ur Mind's Eye Music Video skillz
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conflicted over whether or not it's a net positive that "gem" has fully assimilated into the surface-level online lexicon and is no longer strictly associated w/ cryptofascistic corners of the internet . cuz on one hand the term itself is innocuous enough and can be useful lighthearted shorthand when recontextualized, but on the other hand its newfound communal dilution does mean there's now one less way to easily identify someone who dwells within those aforementioned corners and thus disregard them on principle :P then again though it's not like there's any serious shortage of alternative ways; young wannabe kiwifarmers and the like arent exactly known for their subtlety ! they cannot resist the temptation of pure vice signaling drivel. deeply uninteresting individuals
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the exceedingly nonlinear fashion in which my game's story has been appearing to me makes for quite a fun ride ~! liek the puzzle is slowly unfolding before me ..connections being made in real time..
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BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: This December Holiday Cosplay
never in my life have i seen such elaborate photography & image editing for a cosplay ! incredible work from everyone involved—aug 16 2026
stud & chud rhyme whilst roughly being definitional opposites ... funny how that works .. !
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Bloug :)
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the day im able to spell "bourgeoisie" off the top of my head without looking it up will be a magnificent one
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truly it is a blessing how nothing is stopping u as a musician from repurposing & recontextualizing the same melody in multiple songs
—aug 15 2026
realized one of the original melodies i came up with in my penumbra phantasm cover could totally be turned into a theme of its own in my game's soundtrack so that;'s happening now adn i already feel th aura . penumbra's influence continues spreading ...!
—aug 14 2026
do they still make the type of guy who calls video games "vidya"
and do those guys still radiate hitler particles
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i feel like the only deltarune obsessive who has never cared all that strongly about the knight's true identity . rly exhausts me the way ppl so strongly fixate on it and turn it into a dick-measuring contest of who can come up with the most insane crack theory, bc i honestly wouldnt even place it in the top ~5 most interesting mysteries of the narrative rn (although tbf it is most likely intertwined with multiple other ones i find more interesting [such as dess herself cuz. yea. duh] but like i just dont find the Unmasking Their Identity part itself to be that intrinsically interesting; when it comes to the knight i'm more invested in the How and the What yknow)
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remembering how as a kid i thought dichotomy was pronounced ditch-a-tommy
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i made the (thankfully rare) mistake of absentmindedly opening bluesky for no reason in particular and within a minute managed to come across someone describing pony buttholes in internet porn as "wanting to fuck minstrel lips but woke". genuinely stunned. such an unhinged mishmash of words that in any other context i would've assumed to be parodying useless ultra-niche tumblr discourse but It's Real. we have reached the event horizon of Sociopolitical Takes Dreamed Up By Someone Who Has Never Spoken To A Real-Life Person
like even setting aside how severely warped yr pattern recognition has to be to automatically conflate A Donut-Like Shape (crucially Not appearing on the face) with minstrelsy, what is giving it the qualification of "but woke" ??? Who is posturing as woke on the basis of drawing 'ponuts' ?? ? What The Fuck Is Going On. delete social media kill everyone now etc
—aug 13 2026
another sumemr track done ... >:)
—aug 12 2026
brilliant observation i just heard from a friend: the shit tiktok commenters are coming up with is the slang equivalent of the fast fashion industry
—aug 9 2026
it has always annoyed me when obviously skilled artists are incapable of recognizing their own work's merit and insist upon needless self-deprecation so i hope to set a good example in that regard. believe in what yr doing folks!! i certainly believe in what im doing . thatll get u way farther
remember: insecurity =/= humility, and by that same token, security =/= arrogance
—aug 8 2026
if i start pulling any of the shit will toledo's been up to lately when i reach that age then i'll have truly lost myself. doing everything in my power to prevent this
—aug 7 2026
the primary function of the livestream medium in my life is to serve as parasocial background noise for those occasional quiet nights when my usual friend group vc is uncharacteristically empty . when it starts getting late i kinda need constant stimulation in this regard (again more proof my lepidopterous[1] ass is Not an introvert)
man i tuned into jacksfilms since he happens to be live and he JUST started wrapping up stream lmao . robcdee it is then
1. (comically fanficul allusion to the phrase "social butterfly" [which in this context specifically refers to my behavior in a group setting; there are still not nearly as many people that i'm fully comfortable with 1-on-1 {jesus christ i just realized there's nothing stopping me from putting footnotes on this page. this changes eveyrthing}])↩
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its so crazy that ive already begun unlocking my irl jiggle physics
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they call it the "criminal justice system" because this "Justice System" is CRIMINAL... 🔥✍️ #deep #madeyouthink
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out of all the kids who got groomed on amino i wonder how many of them specifically signed up because of a youtube sponsor... cuz thats the only reason i knew it existed back in its prime. and by that same token i wonder how many of those youtubers feel guilt over that... not to say they should necessarily be considered culpable bc who couldve predicted this silly fandom app would apparently end up being Kik 2 but like that knowledge must really weigh on them. yet more reason i will never take a youtube sponsor under any circumstances (though i understand some ppl are in positions where they essentially have no choice)
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oh right duh how could i forget the OTHER OTHER true barometer of my game being A Success (again besides the obvious of Fulfilling My Intended Artistic Goals) :: people making YTPMVs and/or High Quality Rips of songs from the soundtrack
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the variance in my bandcamp friday sales is so delightfully strange . this time i'd inexplicably already made bank (by my standards) before i'd even woken up and got another purchase before i'd even posted anything abt it. where did u ppl come from... they were just lined up waiting this time even tho i havent released an album in like a year! (not that im complaining ofc thanku all 4 the support :D
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im still getting flower man stuck in my head again
—aug 6 2026
this latest deltarune newsletter is so fascinating on so many lvls im still thinking abt it hours later ... especially w/ the fuckin nuke that is the big-ass link to the 7B page wwow that is terrifying . but yea interesting seeing how many things were addressed so Directly in ths edition, smth definitely shifted
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how is there not a single siivagunner rip that turns Scar Doesn't Disappear from yume nikki into lost girl from deltarune
EDIT: ok thank god someone else did it. its so obvious!
thank you That Megalovania Guy
—aug 5 2026
BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: The entire Ocarina of Time Soundtrack, if The Beatles made it (Sentence Mixing)
speaks for itself . was made aware of it some weeks ago but only got a more in-depth experience with a friend pulling it up on a whim in the vc aand this is truly godlike shitposting at work
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literally jst gave myself goosebumps writing the leadup to this game's final encounter . yep it's cinema #yepimAwesome
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fascinatimg to learn of the hundreds of thousands of members that Infidelity Communities have on reddit . monogamy really is a misery machine, it's crazy how much bullshit could be avoided if every1 just stopped claiming ownership over their partners in the first place
—aug 4 2026
GAME UPDATE: wiggly deer have been implemented
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GAME UPDATE: first "level" (though i wouldnt strictly call it that; we'll say Playable Subsection) is BASICALLY COMPLETE (barring any unforeseen bug fixing or rebalancing that may or may not reveal itself as necessary with further playtesting) . with that, there are a few paths i cld take from here .. returning to the notetaking/writing trenches, beginning to build one of the other remaining core systems ... or maybe thatll just be the end of this particular round of gamedev hyperfixation for now adn i get back to music moding or something. we'll see!
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back on my therapeutic rephrasing bullshit (made further alterations to the discussion of early sexuality on the d page for utmost clarity in hopes of warding off the bad-faith voices in my head [like literally that's all it is. i still #NeverNamesearch i've just got a problem w mental shadowboxing lol])
(the reason ive now omitted the tidbit about my first ever nudes is not bc im ashamed but bc the potential shock value of it kinda distracts from the broader point being made i think .rare case where i have willfully chosen to be Less open)
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read a lil more jest again .. maybe this time the momentum will actually remain
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nooooooo the bad version of the youtube autocaptions returned .........
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only now have i Named the lead character of the game . things happening in a funny order rn
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Big Walk looks fun ...
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where would we be without ambient music.......
—aug 3 2026
SLANG OF THE SUMMER JUST COINED BY ME: Sheating (Showering + Eating)
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the game's first two playtests (as in Someone Other Than Me Testing It) went pretty well..!
—aug 2 2026
one piece of low-stakes irony i enjoy partaking in is using the stupid-ass term """freedom units""" when asking my metric-using friends to convert their measurements for me despite me 1. being wholly antipatriotic & 2. knowing logically that plenty of metric units likely would make more sense if i took the time to learn them (though the one hill i will die on is fahrenheit genuinely making more sense for measuring weather temperature; u cannot tell me that 0 being cold as hell & 100 being hot as hell isn't far more intuitive . i will concede that 32 being freezing rather than 0 isn't so intuitive but thats a small price to pay imo)
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remembering what it's like to feel starstruck after getting to ask abigail thorn a question over vc at dashcon
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Don't call it "media" bro!
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everyone is "multifandom" dipshit it came free with your ability to appreciate art
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*shots my cockgun*
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hhad a real nice time w day2 of dashcon 2 2 :D
—aug 1 2026
it took me this long to realize the "dash" in "dashcon" must refer to the Dashboard of tumblr (or maybe i just forgot.) i had just kinda subconsciously assumed it was a particularly obscure fandom in-joke that i wasnt aware of and never questioned it further
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so i watched the entirety of the dashcon 2 AMV contest panel live (my most anticipated event of the whole convention!) and there was some really aweosme stuff but Holy Shit I Got Cucked Lmao . my submission — despite following every rule applicable to my chosen category (Experimental) as far as i can tell — simply did not show up at all. tears in the rain. gone like it was never submitted,
[EDIT: i see rn there's an 'ALL NIGHT LONG' showcase streaming in the server, which reminded me the original info page did say smth about certain entries being relegated to that stream and not premiering at the main panel purely due to time constraints {EDIT 2: actually it specifically says that about entries submitted by Non-Attendees, which would not apply to me... but still...?}, and in hindsight i think that is the actual most likely reason for My Little Absence . so i am downgrading my 'mortal enemy' classification to 'mortal neutrality' ... though i am still a little mad because of this next part:]
that's not even the worst part tho. you wanna know what song was used in the very first qualifying submission that was shown?? some generative "ai" bullshit which in a just world would have been automatically disqualifying . you can tell that's what it is!! and even if the judges weren't able to tell by the audio, you can also tell by the cover!!! what are we doing here!!!!
so yea i kinda sorta paid money for a humiliation ritual LOL. genuinely killed my vibe although it definitely gave me a funny life story to tell in the future
in order to ensure those hours of editing don't Completely go to waste im just gonna drop a link to the unlisted video here for any observers to observe. Exclusive Hidden Roxy Media Revealed
—jul 31 2026
oh hey looks like youtube auto captions are back to working the way they used to (at least for now..) so mustve just been some A/B testing bullshit . hooray for unwittingly being a tech overlord's lab rat
—jul 30 2026
amazing what crusty 2d foliage can do for your 3d environments
—jul 29 2026
tbh the visual language of the Action 52 game "TIME WARP TICKERS" actually kinda rules in hindsight . gotta be the single most fully-realized vision of surrealism in that incredible clusterfuck of a cartridge
—jul 28 2026
oh right duh how could i forget the OTHER true barometer of my game being A Success (again besides the obvious of Fulfilling My Intended Artistic Goals) :: the existence of nsfw fanart. and i will be sure to coin the name of the tag for such things to be sorted into; i have already decided what the equivalent of "undertail" is here
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there is now one (1) complete song in my game's soundtrack (for a yet-to-exist title screen)
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forgive me if im doing a goomba fallacy (in my defense i can think of at least one account i literally have seen both of these things from directly) but i wonder why it is that from the left i have simultaneously heard how [x thing in fiction] is propaganda for [y] and how daring to imagine a brighter future thru the lens of an art movement like 'solarpunk' or w/e is CRINGE and USELESS and LARPING . like do we believe media can have a tangible effect on people's way of thinking or not ?? i dont think zillions would be spent on copaganda if such a thing was completely ineffective at swaying public opinion yknow, why not try to utilize messaging for good instead of evil? and entertaining that thought is not the same as blindly believing the perfect art will instantly single-handedly bring about the revolution :p it is merely one possible tool in a huge toolbox. what good is ur revolution anyway if ur this cynical about hope & imagination
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reading thru the rest of these fan translations of toby fox's articles in weekly famitsu (i had only read the kikiyama interview previously) and this quote from here really stands out to me:
However as the creator of UNDERTALE I don't really have any strong feelings about killing monsters in video games... It's just that when I see monsters wearing clothes and having weapons I can't help but be curious about where exactly they got that stuff from. Is there someone making all of it?this is incredibly vindicating to hear as someone frustrated w the way some ppl frame undertale as being didactic in nature and criticize it on that basis, particularly wrt the genocide route, as if the message there is like You Are A Bad Person In Real Life If You Kill A Character In A Video Game .. just wildly missing the point. what that route is really illustrating on the metatextual level is a completionist's willingness to essentially torture themselves and destroy their own immersion in pursuit of Unlocking All Possible Content, feeling as though its mere existence means they have to experience it, no matter the misery it creates both in & out of the game's universe. no, that doesn't make them a Bad Person, but i do think the way that impulse is thoroughly accounted for & directly challenged by the game makes for a much more striking statement than even some fans give it credit for
—jul 27 2026
Did you know, Gaming? Gaming, did you know that? Uhhhh, Gaming, you might wanna take a look at this...
—jul 26 2026
BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: pl_minecraft map for TF2 WIP
(greatly enhanced by the song choice of course)
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its funny to think abt how only like 4 years ago we (yes WE) were ALL trying to ERP with ai dungeon but if you did the same thing now with Grok Sexy Mode or whatever itd (understandably) be totally socially unacceptable because all readily accessible LLMs are part of The Torment Nexus now
—jul 25 2026
got to do a lil presentation at virtual dashcon's pre-con programming >:D 'crow and tell' is such a great idea for an activity i was made for this . been collecting random trinkets for as long as i can remember
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the thing that has surprised me most abt getting into gamedev is how so far the process of debugging has not been anywhere near as miserable as i always imagined it would be . like historically spending an extended period of time on some technical issue that just isnt clicking makes me wanna Kill Everything Now, but for whatever reason that just hasn't rly been the case w my game? morale has generally remained at least decent! and even when a solution turns out to be hilariously obvious, i find that more amusing than frustrating! i feel satisfied knowing it was a learning experience! i'm witnessing a mental fortitude i honestly did not know i possessed .
my theory as to what's making the difference here: probably just a matter of lower stakes? like rather than a hardware/software issue that's straight-up preventing me from doing what i wanna do or w/e, i'm just debugging my own little world with no particular deadline, chipping away at bringing another creative vision to life .. knowing it's a direct part of that creative process instead of some total random bullshit unforeseen roadblock greatly eases the usual pain
—jul 24 2026
oh god i think youtube just straight-up changed the way auto-generated captions display like they don't pop up one word at a time in sync w/ the speech anymore
yea jesus this like Just rolled out i literally still have tabs open where it's working the old way
another pointlessly hostile ui design choice by a megacorp what else is new . i would always specifically choose auto captions bc i found the word-by-word ones much easier to parse (especially as someone who watches almost everything on the site at 2x speed or higher) but now there is just No option to get that effect. Fuck You Too, Tube
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don't have a nebula subscription so i cannot personally confirm one way or the other BUT from what has been publicly teased abt it i really worry that the upcoming f.d signifier video series "goonworld" is not gonna be doing us many favors on the People Being Uptight About Porn For All The Wrong Reasons front >_> like on one hand i would like to trust that he can handle the subject w nuance, especially given the scope of an entire series and the fact that he apparently spoke with sexologists, sex workers, and even self-proclaimed(?) gooners in the process, but on the other hand it's a pretty bad sign how the on-screen definition of "gooner" is listed as "One who is completely and miserably addicted to porn but embraces and loves it", which makes the exact rookie mistake i've talked at length about previously, taking the premise of a collective ***ROLEPLAY*** at face value and completely literally, treating this caricaturized concept of Porn Addiction™ (which need i remind you is not an actual existing clinical diagnosis) as a simple fact of life .. i guess it's Possible that there are some self-proclaimed gooners out there who genuinely no-kayfabe believe they are "addicted" to porn after having absorbed a bunch of ppl framing that as a super serious real phenomenon, and thus are incorporating that feeling into the fetish rather than knowing it's roleplay from the start, but either way the outsider's pitfall of buying into the addiction fiction remains largely the same, still inhibiting their ability to identify what's really going on
again tho i've got no access to nebula so i dunno, it's entirely possible everything i just said is adequately addressed within the full series and the previews just made it look bad . dont wanna be like those youtube viewers who prematurely write comments about things that were already brought up in the video which they would know if they actually finished the damn thing
—jul 23 2026
in my book the only barometer of my game being A Success (besides the obvious of Fulfilling My Intended Artistic Goals) would be getting a tcrf article about it. ill make their job sooooo easy like omg hi look over here im the big glaringly obvious slutty 'UNUSED' folder dont u wanna document everything inside me ooooh im so vulnerable~ and have a little text document thanking them for the work that they do and for being one of my favorite websites ever since i was a kid :)
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realizing the age-old tf2 medic adage of "pop it dont drop it" can easily be retooled as a variant of the age-old transfem adage of "use it or lose it" in the context of masturbation's necessity post-hrt
in the bed droom. straight up "Popping It Not Dropping It". and by "it", haha, well. let's justr say. My peanits
—jul 22 2026
when u find out ur hitleresque dad's long-awaited heart attack might be striking sooner rather than later
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game progress has remained fairly steady across various departments, in fact arguably steadier than the boh video script because ahhhhhhhh i lack full control over my heart's creative desires but i am still not neglecting it entirely .. i know this particular hyperfixation storm will come to pass and the others can catch up and the cycle will repeat until every project is done that';s just how it goes in my experience as an ADHD artist
—jul 20 2026
recently i had it explained to me that a centipede in yr home really isnt something to be scared of bc 1. they are not interested in you, they fuck off to some dark crevice immediately & 2. they kill other kinds of undesirable bugs so u might as well let them do their thing . and the other night i did indeed encounter one in the kitchen again, and though it startled me i did not run & scream & capture it ! i just stood there and watched it run into the darkness under the washing machine and moved on . huge milestone for me as someone with horrible fear of creepy crawlies
—jul 19 2026
finished my first brackeys godot tutorial and there were only TWO things i couldnt seem to get working (enemy entity actually restarting the game & coin pickup playing a sound) instead of EVERYTHING ... basically success in my book
originally my plan was to not even touch godot itself until ive finished several other major unrelated projects so i can have maximum focus allotted to this study and just get the gamemaking desire out of my system by exclusively making art assets in the meantime, but that was not enough to satiate me and i figured its probably wise to at least learn the ropes of the engine in advance anyway .. ultimately i think i made the right call bc i feel a lot better abt the whole thing after seeing first-hand how surprisingly approachable it is ^.^ again jst gotta trust where my epiphanies & fixations guide me
i am cautiously optimistic that i will be able to evade what they call 'Tutorial Hell' too; nearly all the fundamentals demonstrated here made pretty intuitive sense to me, very rarely did i feel like 'wow i wouldve never guessed thats how that works', and i think my background has even more transferrable skill here than i realized ! even coding — particularly w gdscript — may not be as scary as i always feared it would be ..? don't expect to go totally independent on that front anytime soon but like it doesn't seem a complete impossibility anymore yknow
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boh script routine renewal is still going btw. all is well
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the title of system of a down's Chop Suey! might be the one case i can think of where label meddling actually gave us a more interesting final product, like it's such a memorably wacky title that also serves as an interesting contrast w/ the genuine darkness of the song itself yknow, just straight-up naming it "Suicide" likely wouldn't hit the same
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so much "all art is political" discourse could be avoided entirely if we just said what we actually mean by that (i.e all artists live in a political landscape and are thereby capable of relaying political messages in their work even if entirely subconsciously) instead of resorting to a snappy reductive catchphrase that makes it sound like All Art Ever Is Deliberate Propaganda Lol. unless that Is what you believe in which case ?????
—jul 17 2026
yea my game has a Logo now it's genuinely over there's no putting this genie back in the bottle
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idk why i keep thinking abt a take that i've literally only ever seen a single-digit number of ppl even gesture towards but i am still confused as to why this handful of people apparently consider it Unwoke for fans refer to that one route in undertale as the "genocide route" .. like i'm assuming it has something to do w the fact that genocide is an ongoing thing in the real world rn and this name is somehow insensitive to that? and i could understand that impulse on some level but like, for one thing the term entirely predates the post-2023 iteration of israel's genocidal mania (obviously the one on everyone's mind currently) by several years, and secondly that name has always just been a literal description of what occurs in the route.. not to mention, one of the substitutes i've heard ("murder route") could easily be argued to have the same problem! murder is also a serious thing that happens in real life! sometimes serious irl shit is reflected in fiction! are we to pretend it's not there ?
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i finishnd a song for summer ^w^ everything is beautiful
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i will be "at" this year's Virtual Dashcon 2 btw
—jul 16 2026
it's crazy how many bunnygirls i know
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day 2 of returning to modest-but-steady progress on the boh video script. so far so good......
—jul 15 2026
friends and i have been having a wonderful time placing various words before "faps" . transdimensional faps. valedictorian faps. inadvisable faps.
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thinking abt this clip again bc there's something so vicariously cathartic abt watching a beloved male e-celeb just casually getting away with interrogating society's unthinking approach to taboo in a way that a trans woman would undoubtedly be crucified for . between this & The Puritanical Audience Rant northerlion might be the realest of them all in the top-viewed streaming world rn . i have grown to respect him immensely even without watching him much
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made a promise to my gf that i will work on the boh video for at least 30 minutes today . lets see if we can make that a steady routine
—jul 14 2026
i have got to get more millennial . goated generation yet everyone is so weird about them
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yea my game has a Sound Effect now it's genuinely over there's no putting this genie back in the bottle
—jul 13 2026
oh god ive been having a brainblast since last night my dream game concept is coming together by the hour Help Help Help Help Help Help Help
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diagnosed with im gonna fucking die disease (knee hurts a bit too much for a bit too long)
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yea my game has a Title now it's genuinely over there's no putting this genie back in the bottle
—jul 12 2026
the best reason for me not to raise children is i suspect i would be overly concerned with how they function as an extension of My Legacy which would hinder my ability to view them as the individual persons that they are . i am doing this theoretical child a favor by simply Not
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another morning of regaining consciousness and thinking "if the clock says any time past 12 PM im killing myself" then lo and behold it's 12:01 or worse . begging my body to stop sleeping for 10 hours im not a baby and i literally dontg have enough time in my days anymore !!!!!
feel like im in The Substance the way a version of me (the one from the previous night) is literally stealing time from another version of me (the one from the next day)
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the amount of times my dad has continued just fuckin bitterly blabbering on even whilst my mom has literally left the house (or otherwise could not possibly hear him) is equal parts confounding & hilarious i swear to god he just talks to hear himself talk. men amirite
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the one relatively common hellaverse criticism i actually agree with is that it is pretty unfortunate how basically every character ever has the exact same ultra-thin body type . i adore everything else abt their designs in all their elaborately edgy glory, but like making Husk of all characters a twink has gotta be some kind of hate crime against bears it simply does not add up. otherwise tho much of the common criticism tends to fall into the camp of 'me no like vulgarity', ever-predictable with their singular caricaturized quip of Viv Pop Writing Be Like Fuck Fuck Fuck Lol and the endless uninspired variations thereof. the hatedom's collective hallucination of what constitutes "vivziepop writing" is like their equivalent of "i identify as an attack helicopter" by virtue of its sheer repetition & spiteful reductiveness
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just realized i didnt actually delete that bookmark i categorized as Retired i just wrote about it here and forgot
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the game design desire is creeping up on me again but grghrahgghf i need there to be less on my plate first .. at least finish the dream film or a bunch of albums first ... i also need to keep reminding myself Life Doesn't Automatically End At Like 25 Or Whatever And Therefore My Artistic Journey In All Likelihood Is Still Just Getting Started
maybe the reason i seem to hold myself to such a high temporal standard (despite earnestly believing that age is not to be feared and the best version of myself is yet to come and im just getting started and etc) is that i began finding my creative voice at Such a young age that there's plenty of stuff i made even as a teenager which i still think holds up , so like by that metric it kinda feels like i'm already deeper into the average lifespan than i actually am?? but it's silly cuz having a head start like that should Ease this mental burden if anything.. i have already done so much in so little time; it could not possibly be more "justified" for me to Slow Down If Necessary
—jul 11 2026
Wondrous distant future things have been jotted down in the daw
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very fruitful mostly percussive instrument haul today .. several items for $20 >:D
—jul 10 2026
current habitual vocal stim oddity: lately when i would normally just be saying "jesus christ" in exasperation i have instead been saying "jeezums christy-whisty" in a scottish accent. no discernible source, this simply materialized on its own bc that happens with me sometimes
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young adulthood is so strange bc intellectually i feel like i'm punching above my weight class but when it comes to interpersonal decisionmaking sometimes i feel no greater maturity than a teen . like rn, i can empathize in exhaustive detail with the uncontrollable life-ruining factors causing this one person in my circle to behave in ways i find incredibly irritating but still succumb to the emotional impulse of growing resentful of them for being annoying despite knowing Why and knowing logically they need Support in a time like this . growing up = parts of me fighting for control and hopefully the ones that don't suck reign victorious in the end
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oh man the dream film just got bigger (another Merge of once-separate projects is occurring... this is good tho it means knocking out more ideas in one go, in this case at such a scale that i can probably just kinda be Done with that medium as a whole for an extended period of time {which is how u get time for game...}])
—jul 9 2026
BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: Northern Flicker Call / Drumming Chimney Loud
this guy rocks
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new tf2 map pl_redwood looks gorgeous i have to play asap
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forest puppy forest puppy forest puppy forest puppy forest puppy forest puppy
—jul 8 2026
sleep schedule significantly less fucked now :D when you lack self-control bc you want to keep having fun with your friends who peak in activity way too fucking late at night all you need is a mommy to give you a bedtime DUHHHHHHHHHH
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if i grew up having the west coast timezone advantage that wouldve been so huge for me .. though i would need to move to the east coast as an adult anyway so i could meet the people i care most about, many of whom are on the east coast
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this year my food intake & workout routine has been like if a looksmaxxer actually had good taste (dedicating myself to becoming a chubby shortstack instead of beating myself with hammers and obsessively measuring a few millimeters of bone or w/e)
or in other words what we well-adjusted people used to call Self-Improvement. Following Your Dreams. Achieving Your Goals
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eastre egg has been planted.
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They're calling these the most chapped lips of all time
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*remembers the fucking bull of heaven video and gets scared but then also remembers the fact that by taking so long i'm basically performing my own kind of extreme longform metatextual boh piece so it's fine and cool actually*
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i thibnk 30 y/o roxy will be wonderful
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i might be the only age regressor in the world who doesn't also have a diaper thing (no shade to those who do ofc theyre stronger than i am and we r allies 4ever)
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when that infinite cloudflare Performing security verification loop hits
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RETIRED BOOKMARK OF THE DAY: Best MLP Gifs? Page 2 - Forum Lounge - MLP Forums
this bookmark would have to be a 2021 relic of me compulsively collecting as much authentic golden-age brony media as possible and i decided to let go of that impossibly large-scale digital hoarding goal years ago so it is well past time to unbookmark this bookmark. but there it is for anyone else to look around if they wish ^_^
sweet to see that ppl are still using this forum in 2026 apparently. also i found out they have a rhythm game on the site for some reason?? i just got a 60.98% completion rate (with a highest combo of 61) on Winter Wrap Up normal difficulty because what the fuck i was not expecting it to be 6-key instead of 4-key and also why are the lanes at such a weird curved angle instead of just being a clear readable straight scroll like any sensible VSRG (but somehow i kinda locked in despite all that)
waaaaaaait now i got an 84.6% (with a highest combo of 85) on The Magic of Friendship Grows normal difficulty ....
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so close to done w penumbra i can almost taste it............ >:D
—jul 7 2026
my sleep schedule';s FUUUUUUUUUUUCKED AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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the type of person who was pearlclutching over any sort of autotune usage back in the late 00s / early 2010s would probably drop dead on the spot if presented with the fact that occasionally behind the processing i'm not even attempting to sing the intended notes and it's actually just rhythmic monotone chanting that gets corrected by manual midi transcription. obv it's a case by case basis tho; i tend to reserve the Literally Just Recording Monotone Chanting form of the midi transcription approach for either 1. melodies that would be pretty much physically impossible to perform with such speed/precision anyway or 2. situations where i find it aesthetically/thematically compelling to lean into a Very obviously digitized form of my voice. otherwise the midi aspect is more just a safety net for when i specifically dont want the autotune to throw in some wacky vibrato
on the opposite end of this spectrum, i think one of my most daring physical vocal maneuvers so far is still from the end of Trouble Greg, Sequence of Investors on the Mutterline album College Rock; i actually was nearing the absolute upper bound of my vocal range and it was miraculously close enough to what i wanted for a modest amount of autotune to do the trick
—jul 6 2026
for some reason i feel like this year i've heard way more stuff abt the world cup second-hand in my social circles than any previous year . historically i've normally been barely aware it's even happening bc I Don't Care but the portion of my friends that do care on some level seems to have grown
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after consulting with my primary care physician (read: discord mommy who somehow knows everything about everything [cmon did you really think i can afford an actual doctor]) it would seem ive gotten myself a mild UTI that is thankfully probably going away on its own. we have identified probable causes and Im Listening And Learning ❤
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i just got flashbanged by gdq's huge list of twitch chat rules and this one stood out as especially funny to me for multiple reasons
- During Frame Fatales events and GDQueer, emotes featuring Pepe the frog, and variants of such are not permitted in our chat1. the idea that pepe the frog — especially in twitch chat, by far its most innocuous context in my experience — is still inherently a hate symbol is some serious 2016-ass clintonite faux-woke 1.0 bullshit
2. why is it selectively enforced only during the femme & queer events . i find it patronizing as hell to act like us girls and gays specifically cant handle a lil pepe, just be consistent about it if ur gonna ban it at all!!
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i snuck in a handful of jest pages today for th first time since deltarune ch5 dropped .. finmding room in the brain for it again .. thank god ....
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icicles r so beautiful
—jul 5 2026
shortly after bringing the jax plush home my mom asked out of curiosity if it was a He or a She and i was like That is actually a pretty complicated question and explained the lore on the spot
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[The Following Observation Is Not A Defense Or Endorsement Of Any Wrongdoing Committed By 'Shayy']
i think it's really telling how one of the most — if not The most — commonly cited aspects of shayy's callout to this day is The Page Count as opposed to the contents of said pages; to me this indicates pretty damning evidence of how little the general internet populous actually cares to Read what allegations are being made and simply takes an apparent large quantity of them as sufficient reason to categorize the subject as Irredeemable Forever. which is especially convenient in that case bc my god it is one of the most poorly-written documents of its kind i've ever come across; for every allegation of actual sexual misconduct, there's like 3 more Finally-Here-Is-My-Chance-To-Air-Out-Every-Mild-Grievance-I-Have-Ever-Had-With-This-Person petty anecdotes of "uhhhhhh they were a bad roommate and uhhhhhhhh they use social media a lot and uhhhhhh i got weird vibes and uhhhhhhhhh..." it's fucking embarrassing, and frankly insulting to the few contributors who recounted having a severely traumatic experience w/ them. there is no rhyme or reason, only Here is person number 1! Here is person number 2! and you are implicitly expected to treat these wildly varying stories as equals. i can think of few more obviously emblematic examples of the callout format's inability to accomplish anything more noble than inciting harassment & providing post hoc rationalizations for preconceived notions of their subjects, and yet i can also think of few callouts more effective at dropping their target off the face of the earth. again, it is never about the substance of the allegations, nor victims of abuse finding peace, and certainly not finding productive means of rehabilitation for the perpretrator to change their behavior and avoid creating more victims as they live the rest of their life (which they will have to do somehow, assuming you haven't pushed them to suicide); it is a Performance from top to bottom, self-justifying theatrics to affirm the audience's moral superiority, democratized capital punishment for the digital age.
at this point i guarantee you could publish a huge callout where the majority of it is literally lorem ipsum text and nobody will actually notice or care because LOL WOW LOOK AT ALL THOSE PAGES
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it's kinda funny how despite my dismal outlook on instagram as a platform i have had pretty much entirely positive fan interactions on there .and in terms of The Metrics™ i seem to always perform better there than bluesky even tho bsky logically seems like it should have a lot more of my target audience
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You're the First Lady ever!
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smoking = -100000000 aura oooh look at me i put a cylinder in my mouth that givesd me lung cancer *puts on sunglasses* wowwwwwwww WAKE UP UNLEARN THE PROPAGANDA
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watch this space: [ ]
—jul 4 2026
me sowing (arranging super intricate highly unpredictable 10+-minute-long instrumentals): Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!
me reaping (realizing i have to write lyrics & vocal melodies to accompany them): Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
[EXAGGERATION FOR COMEDIC EFFECT; AT THE END OF THE DAY I WOULD NOT WRITE LYRICS IF I DID NOT WANT THEM TO BE THERE]
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american flag bikini art is lowkey unethical faps
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just secured a jax plush at a liquidation store for only $8 holy fucking jackpot
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penny snapcube is absolute goals in the whimsy & vocal range departments i need to go even harder on those . im good but could be greater
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i mean really if you think about it american flag bikini is almost as offensive to rep right now as an israeli flag bikini. Not so sexy now is it?
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2027 will be the year i cure my heart of its remaining bitterness
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a very longterm dream of mine for years now is to participate in at least one of anthrocon's dance events (whether that be floor wars or — after acquiring the mandatory partial-at-minimum suit — the fursuit dance competition) ... i believe i have the power
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yea floor wars was aweosme this year and the technical upgrades + the gimmicks were rly fun too glad to see them still thriving ! that makes my 6th time tuning into the stream since 2019 (since there was none in 2020 for obvious reasons)
also my friend and i both hitched our respective wagons to the teams that ended up being the final two that;s crazy. ALWAYS bet on paws 4 applause cuz strobes is my goat (even if they didnt actually win this time but yknow)
—jul 2 2026
I Have Still Only Been Thinking About Deltarune*
* and Penumbra Phantasm bc im almost done with a cover of it...
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looking back it's really strange how the steven universe fandom had the same sort of cultural dichotomy btwn tumblr fans & 4chan fans that homestuck did during its original run .. like in homestuck's case i totally get how it ended up attracting both crowds — recently in a convo w my gf i described the series as an embodiment of the motto "act like a chud, think like a woke" — but with steven universe i honestly have no idea what was drawing in the channer side to begin with. which is also strange bc i should be uniquely equipped to answer that question, considering how when i initially got into the show as a 12 y/o my politics (if you could even call them that) were the worst they've ever been! and little me was actively guarding himself against liking it bc he thought it was cringe but ended up falling in love with it anyway! maybe the ultimate takeaway here is just that good art is irresistible even to people diametrically opposed to its messaging . also unsurprising given there's not exactly much for channers to choose from in the way of Compelling Conservative Art lmao
—jun 26 2026
I Have Done Nothing But Think About Deltarune For 3 Days
—jun 24 2026
schedule secured. i have awoken with ample time to spare in preparation for deltaruning the exact fucking minute it drops. everything is beautiful.
—jun 23 2026
there is nothing quite like the 'calm before the storm' feeling of being on the precipice of a highly anticipated release ur particularly emotionally invested in .. extremely specific headspace rn w/ deltarune ch5 ~33 hrs away . one of the most powerful ways u can be mindful of the present i think, smth so obviously unavoidably transient abt these periods uknow .makes em all the more interesting to document
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BEAUTIFUL THING OF THE DAY: seirette - Don't Forget
fuuuuuuuuck im crying
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i do really appreciate how the estrogen has allowed me to cry so easily . feels much more true to my personality as a highly sentimental sincerity-seeking being wearing its heart on its sleeve
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emergency schedule adjustment progress has been made despite me being up way too fucking late again last night . regained consciousness around 10:20 AM and took like another 30-35 minutes to get out of bed but it was still before 11! just gonna try setting an alarm for 10 and hope that gives me enough wiggle room to drag myself out of bed and eat in time for release
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friend made me aware of the DELTARUNE Unofficial Message Boards today (somehow never heard of this place ever before) and it looks rly neat i love to see the forum format living on thru hobbyist/fandom communities ^.^ even if they arent the dominant form of online communication anymore i do think there will always be a place for them
—jun 22 2026
WHEN THAT EARTHSHATTERING TYPO REALIZATION HITS AGAIN (How the fuck did I mix up Acronym and Anagram)
nah yesterday was some bullshit tho i get it bad time for the brain
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for some reason i thought deltarune ch5 was dropping 12 pm est but i double checked and its actually 11 am so now i really need to lock the fuck in on sleep and quit my waking up at noon bullshit . may even need to set an alarm that day
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if i ever got remotely into livestreaming i would only be interested in doing so for the purposes of an Event .like putting on a Show, RTVS/jerma-style yknow . would feel more meaningful 2 me and avoid the dangers i typically associate w the format
—jun 21 2026
merry 6/21mas! this is my first 6/21 post-hrt and it happens to land on an injection day ... what could this mean ...
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mildly interesting coincidence: both tracks in the "CONSIDERED COMPLETE AT ONE POINT BUT IN HINDSIGHT I'D LIKE TO REWRITE SOME OF THE LYRICS" category in my most recent newsletter happen to be TRACK 6 of their respective albums . something something not much but weird that it happened twice
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i really do hope that if we get another toby fox game after deltarune it'll actually be an unrelated game called "UNRELATED" like it's kinda the obvious thing to do but keeping up the anagram bit is too perfect of an opportunity to pass up
—jun 19 2026
i think a vast majority of mainline lp covers for the foreseeable future will incorporate the furry element via 3d model stuff (whether presented as-is or traced over) rather than commissioned 2d art just as a matter of financial responsibility. like i'm pretty sure every single release with a commissioned drawing so far has had a negative return on investment except for maybe GET STICKBLOOD lol. no offense to the artists i would otherwise be commissioning ofc ! i just literally do not have that kind of money to be throwing around especially when music is where i get most of my pittance of income. im making the most of less-than-ideal circumstances
on the bright side i do think this new approach to covers will have its own unique charm, like ur still gonna be getting that unusual fusion of the character w/ the janky image collage surroundings n stuff, and that's what really defines the Roxy Furry Cover look anyway (sole exception so far being Aeoutical Thenkismet)
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it is Interesting to observe the difference between friends of mine who stopped saying the r-slur bc of a genuine change in values and friends of mine who selectively stopped saying the r-slur only because it became taboo again and as soon as the "anti-woke" backlash kicked into high gear they resumed saying it amongst themselves in private and only self-censor around the aforementioned other friends such as myself and they really don't do a good job of hiding it . i have a feeling that Irreverence Gap played a role in the latter group growing increasingly distant & insular
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crazy that the gta 6 box art has the exact same color palette as Aeoutical Thenkismet
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what if things go better than you ever could've imagined
—jun 18 2026
critical thinking check: ask urself when’s the last time u changed ur mind abt something when presented with new verifiable information
—jun 17 2026
i'm kinda surprised just how emotionally affected i've been by oliver tree's death even without having rly explored his oeuvre in-depth beforehand, mostly just hearing bits n pieces second-hand from my gf being a big fan, and only just recently doing a proper deep dive in the wake of all this; like genuinely i haven't had this sort of fundamental vibe-shifting cloud looming over me from a celebrity death since SOPHIE, and that's saying a lot considering i had much greater personal stake in her case, having been directly influenced by her since near the very beginning of my serious pursuit of music as a primary passion back in mid-2018 ._. i guess these two events jst strike the same chord by sharing a particular kind of loss, what i previously summarized as "a young ambitious artist with surely so much life left to live gone in a flash in a freak accident", which feels extra harrowing as a Young Ambitious Artist myself (not to Make These Deaths About Me but like that is an additional layer of connection yknow, a more direct line of empathy in a sense), and one who already struggles with the prospect of mortality prematurely halting my ability to share my complete vision w the world (probably my single greatest fear), plus some degree of agoraphobic impulses in general, however much i may understand logically that i can't just live in fear >_>
but in both of these cases i have been able to find the ray of hope in the darkness, that being a heightened motivation to apply everything i've learned from these lovable weirdos and try my damnedest to somehow offset the decreased whimsy felt in their absence . even artists gone way too soon r still felt in who they influence and i feel honored to be able to play some small part in that ecosystem
SONG OF THE DAY: Oliver Tree - How It Ends
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on a related note: seeing the huge spike in the listening graph on tree's last.fm page starting june 14th makes me feel like less of a jackass for only really getting into his music after his death . granted im sure a good chunk of that is from existing fans mourning but still i cant be the only one having the "now's a good time to be hyperfixated i guess" epiphany
on a note related to that related note: on that page u can also see some top listeners of his and i clicked on the ones who had his face in their pfp nd everything just to see how these superfans were holding up and their profile comments were just flooded with condolences from other strangers evidently having the same thought . i thought that was rly heartwarming, esp considering how much of a cesspool last.fm comments can often be, was a refreshing change of pace to see ppl just dropping the bullshit and being kind to one another in a time of hardship
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i believe my second ever experience with a Personally Significant In Some Way celebrity death was with satoru iwata back in 2015 and i distinctly remember bringing it up to my mom (presumably after being asked abt my day; i dunno why i would mention this to her unprompted) and her just being utterly baffled as to why this news would affect me in any meaningful way and i just kinda fumbled through some configuration of "well it's just sad!" and i think this is still one of the most bizarrely invalidating things i've ever been on the receiving end of. and it's crazy bc i know damn well she would be inconsolable if taylor swift died within her lifetime (though in all fairness that part is only true bc of how dramatically she's changed since 11 years ago)
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statistically theres gotta be at least a handful of name-in-credits-tier undertale kickstarter backers who happened to transition after the game released and also happened to have a deadname as their credit and just have to live with the fact of that name being immortalized in one of the most successful indie games of all time. that must be weird for everyone involved
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i keep trying & failing to come up with an alternative to the term "spending" time (which i wanna do bc i wnana stop subconsciously viewing time as Currency bc i find that dangerously conducive to a kind of existential neurosis)
—jun 16 2026
when that $4.67 Facebook Consumer Privacy User Profile Litigation Settlement hits 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑
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now riddle me this... why is it normal for an author to have a goodreads account or even a filmmaker to have a letterboxd account but cringe for a musician to have a rateyourmusic account... #madeyouthink
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i feel sorry for actual Live-Action Roleplayers bc their term is getting the same internet-brainrotted descriptor-turned-pejorative dilution of intended meaning that "gooner" did . stay strong my niche hobbyist comrades
coining a term for this phenomenon: Linguistic Lolcowing. thank me later
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def wanna put out a newsletter as a proper blog post soon (will be a recurring thing, probably quarterly) ;; feels esp necessary this year when my progress on projects appears much slower from the outside than it actually is internally just cuz almost nothing is Releasing at the moment
—jun 15 2026
#NeverPost
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page calm normalrate has been entered
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when that earthshattering typo in the previous update hits (accidentally fuckd up my whole last example there./, now fixd
—jun 14 2026
rest in peace oliver tree it still doesnt feel real . particularly gutwrenching to see a young ambitious artist with surely so much life left to live gone in a flash in a freak accident
(sidenote: do not understand why so many ppl feel the need to qualify these statements like "I wasn't a fan of his music but..." like ok man cool good for you but this isn't about the fuckin music anymore. amateur art critics really cannot help themselves from inserting their half-baked opinions at every possible opportunity it's insane. also funny when they go like "but he didnt deserve that..." as if anyone 'deserves' to randomly explode in a helicopter. yes even the worst person you know; nobody should be the arbiter of mortality as justice)
—jun 13 2026
Don't Look At This Date
GAME OVER
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fascinating dilemma i was presented with in vc: would you rather ur attic contain 1000 cockroaches (some of which are early in their lifespan, some of which are late in their lifespan) or contain a perfectly healthy man named daniel who watches u in ur room thru a one-way mirror which becomes transparent on both ends once every 30 minutes and he can communicate thru writing on paper and there's a 1-millimeter button in the attic that plays a wacky noise that he could accidentally step on and from there decide whether or not he wants to keep intentionally pressing it on a whim (but that's a big 'if') ... i chose daniel in a heartbeat
update im hearing: the attic person in this hypothetical has come out as nonbinary
update im hearing: what if it was shigeru miyamoto observing the games you play and determining whether they appeared to be Rushed or Delayed and he said one of ur favorite games was rushed and held up two signs saying "Rushed" instead of just one (and at first ur thinking he's like undecided and just gonna hold up Rushed and Delayed simultaneously but no he just has two Rushed signs) and you found out he was homophobic and biphobic but not transphobic
update im hearing: what if it was 1 giant cockroach vs 1000 small men
update im hearing: what if it was 1 dead fish vs 500 dollars
update i contributed: what if the dollars were fish-sized (open to interpretation)
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grateful i did not dream anything cockroach-related last night despite the above immediately preceding my sleep
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I Have Plans That I Cannot Share With You Right Now Because The Haters Will Sabotage Me. I Have Plans That I Cannot Share With You Right Now Because The Haters Will Sabotage Me. I Have Plans That I Cannot Share With You Right Now Because The Haters Will Sabotage Me.
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this is my life song ♪
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studying the BLeeM method of achieving inner peace out of spite
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important friend-taught method: scratching palms as part of handwashing regimen ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
vocab addition of the day: "fandomite" (per my interpretation: discursively bloodthirsty functionally 'antifan'-esque fandom-dweller [derogatory]) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the 800-page jest milestone approaches...
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this lp codenamed "wolves" is definitely S-tier in the WIP Roxy Radclyffe Albums tier list
(by "codenamed" really i mean like thats a less revealing shorthand version of the actual already-existing full title. and this shorthand is what's used for the project files (e.g "wolves1.flp")
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low-stakes privilege check: it's easy for me to say "never bring your phone to the bathroom" because i'm always in & out of there within like 3 minutes. i take W craps
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i might have just forever obsoleted the "Assorted Thoughts That Did Not Warrant Standalone Articles" series
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e6dle tip: every time u think it's a trick question it definitely is. i understand this intuitively and yet i keep falling for them almost every time
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clayton counts if you can hear me Please restore my hyperfixated motivation on the BoH video
—jun 12 2026
more evidence for my recent proposition that sex negativity among the average active social media userbase is falling out of fashion...
(screenshot for posterity)
(found via friend sharing the link in a discord text channel; i have not browsed the twitter timeline independently in years because i love myself)
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caveat i forgot to mention regarding the transferring of art diaries over to somewhere on this site:: even tho the music zone as a whole is far too vast to easily port i do think i should at least carry over any available writings abt my 5-star zone bc those r just a small fraction and obv the most important for me to immortalize
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wonder whatever happened to the terms "inclusionist" & "exclusionist" ..like for a time around 2020 those were right on par w/ ""proship"" & ""anti"" in terms of inescapability within frivolous ultra-insular queer discourse™ in my experience, the type of thing u would always specify ur position on with ur gay little "DNI", but only the shipping dichotomy persisted in the long run . havnt seen "exclus dni" in years! guess there just wasn't enough room for more than one form of queer friendly fire psyop in the collective consciousness
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"subconscious" being both an adjective and a noun when "subconscience" is right there ready to fulfill the noun role is so fucked up WHY IS THAT FORM CONSIDERED INCORRECT!!!!! GRRRRRR (edit: because conscience being a synonym for consciousness is itself apparently considered Obsolete and therefore "subconscience" would not describe what u are intending to describe. so my real beef is witgh the definition of conscience now i guess)
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World is so funnyfunny ....
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i will single-handedly make em dashes socially acceptable again. stop the slander
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yesterday i saved a digital life
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i have begun inducting thoughts from the aforementioned "previous space of this nature house in discord" into the reality.html canon . theres just gonna be a big gap between aug 2025 and jun 2026 where i stopped using it
2025 covered ! leaving it at that for now .one yr at a time...
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method: fingergun at every mirror u see
—jun 11 2026
IMPORTANT:: THE METHOD NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT:: always call urself "silly" instead of "stupid" when uve just done something kinda stupid. been practicing this for a couple yrs or so and it genuinely makes a difference in reducing frustration. say NO to self-loathing
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might port over some old thoughts of note from my previous space of this nature housed in discord but we'll seeeeeeeeeee if i can mentally/temporally stomach sifting thru much of that
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lowkey ive been having more fun with e6dle than i ever have with wordle (no hate to wordle it's a great brain exercise in its own right but like obv e6dle is more catered to my interests and carries with it a lot of genuinely interesting sociological queries on the subject of fetishism). i have found myself sucking at it more often than i ever wouldve expected tho like holy shit some of these questions make me feel like a fake furry it's brutal . but sometimes i do really well! but #11 was not one of those times (2/6: ⬡⬣⬡⬡⬡⬣) and even one of the questions i got right [2] was damn near a coinflip for me bc i'd never heard of either of those tags and just had to make a lightly educated guess based on tangentially related things
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maybe making the 27-hour harsh noise box set one of my ongoing multi-day listening projects during a period of general exhaustion wasn't the wisest move but i'm already 8 discs deep teehee :3 its fine anyway i can just procrastinate hearing the rest until i feel more ready to
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other desire for the future of this site i forgot to mention: would also like to port over my art diaries currently hosted on rateyourmusic, which is a Doable prospect for all except the music one bc that's fuckin huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge it's already a lost cause without some kind of automation involved. but like with the other artforms' respective diaries theyre either comparatively small or woefully incomplete atm anyway so yea not too big of a deal to manually copy over if need be. would jst need to figure out the ideal sorting/formatting of it all .. in any case yea i jst want as much of that stored somewhere more secure-feeling if possible, not that i'm distrusting of rym (ive explained why i Do in fact trust the site's operation in that one blog post) but ya never know, i am th kind of person who feels most peace of mind when having local copies of everything
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after writing an album like Aeoutical Thenkismet i've noticed how even some of my Not deliberately nonsensical lyricism could still totally come across as such and i don't Mind that necessarily cuz i've always been fond of abstract writing but it is kinda funny the way some distinctions like that could only rly be apparent to me . like who is going to intuitively understand that "prizes hide in a cyan binder inside her" means something to the effect of 'beneath the coat of performative masculinity exists a genderqueer beauty waiting to escape' or that "glad he's crashing, erratic, exactly as was schematically flattened for emphatic pattings of backs" means something to the effect of 'oppressive forces internal and/or external congratulate themselves for their induced upholding of the status quo' yknow
(both of those examples are from a currently unreleased track btw oooooooo Exclusive Preview)
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i think being an Experimental Artist™ is smth that made me particularly predisposed to advocating for nuanced engagement with taboo fiction nd such; it's probably easier to have anarchic views on art As An Artist yknow, like i see how there could be more of a tangible incentive to explore when ur the one in control .. more reason to promote active creation and not jst passive consumption !
u could say im like a "free speech absolutist" for art but it's hard to shake the association that term has with washed-up comedians arguing they should be able to say racial slurs without social consequence or w/e sooooooooooooo better workshop an alternative :P
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i need to get a new 'shooing away intrusive thoughts' vocal stim that isn't just "Kill Everyone Now" like following the logic of the "silly" vs. "stupid" thing it stands to reason that the negativity of this stim has its emotional drawbacks
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You're the most updated site ever!
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ohhhhhhhhhh the replacement is Chill Everyone Now
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entering this page will become a library of babel-esque experience
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the term "puriteen" frustrates me bc — aside from sounding rather silly — on some level it is useful shorthand for describing a pretty specific phenomenon but im really not on board with framing it as just a Teen Thing . like would i wager a majority of ppl of that mindset fall somewhere within the teenage demographic? sure, i wouldn't be surprised (esp knowing i had similar impulses at that age), but turning the whole thing into just another generational divide is really not getting to the heart of the issue uknow . not to mention i have encountered at least a handful of 21+-level individuals who evidently never just Grew Out Of It. there r forces at play far more sinister than merely pubescent immaturity ...
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in light of him insinuating a 19 y/o trans girl is a predator for dating a 17 y/o, i am calling it now: within a couple years sebastian wolff is going to reveal himself as a #DropTheT type of trans-exclusionary gay man and triple down on it like he does with everything . every day it gets more embarrassing for toby fox to be professionally associated w/ his evil doppelganger
—jun 10 2026
the weird thing abt theoretical future irl connections i must come to terms with is the possibility of niche ideological misalignment (the kind that conventionally has little to no bearing on out-of-digital-plane reality [i.e my stance against the 'callout' format, in defense of taboo fiction, etc.]) and how exactly that may manifest if said connection were to dig a little too deep into my body of work (which would be incredibly dishonest of me to outright conceal out of sheer avoidance of this specific scenario; my art represents so much of who/what i am; so like i just gotta make peace w the fact that shit may or may not hit the fan face-to-face with a nearby stranger-turned-acquaintance-turned-hater [which is why it would be so mmuch nicer to jst regularly hang irl w the people i already know nd love nd trust in my online realmzz ;; if only it were that simple ... if only teleportation or at least highspeed rail])
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and on a tangentially related note i do not wish to be primarily known as a provocateur like that is undoubtedly an element of what i do but also:: i do think i'm entering an era where it's time for that to take a backseat for a lil while, not out of desire to like manufacture a more palatable image or w/e i just mean like as a continued celebration of versatility uknow. would be ideal to go at least a few albums without some kind of screed against a very specific philosophical opponent. plus i tire of the misanthropy induced by indulging in too many of such things; it is emotionally exhausting for me
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this place is nice i think i needed somewhere to occupy the niche of like, somewhere between a 2hot4tv Journal Entry in my Life Diary for My Eyes Only and a Methodically-Written Blog Post In Its Own Entire Html File and it is my hope that by jotting things down here as i please i will free up room in the brain and make that pesky fog dissipate
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the one thing that's stuck with me the most abt the whole hbomberguy effectively inciting another wave of harassment towards patricia taxxon debacle is that legendarily godawful lily alexandre post reading "I think 'lolicon' is worse than underpaying a freelancer" paired with that one reaction image of the painting of the guy bravely standing up; i cannot think of a single more succinct embodiment of Selective Leftism Which Dissipates When Given the Opportunity to Perform Instinctual Disgust than this. to place a type of Taboo Hentai (which — barring very specific circumstances [i.e directly modeling a character after a real person's likeness or smth; that'd be coming dangerously close to deepfake porn on the Unethical Faps scale imo] — requires no form of real-world sexual exploitation whatsoever to function) above Actual Material Exploitation Of A Real Living Person's Labor in terms of severity is genuinely mind-boggling. like this is flunking leftism 101 and yet she's a fuckin Political Video Essayist™ lol (which i get isn't the most prestigious of credentials but yknow i'd like to think an essayist would have at least above-average capacity to think through their positions.) What Are We Doing Here. the only way that statement could possibly add up is via reliance on a 'video games cause violence'-tier argument treating this particular form of cartoon porn as either morally equivalent to or at the very least inspiring real-life CSEM, a patently absurd angle still predicated on little more than instinctual disgust, only now half-heartedly rationalized. and that is exactly what patricia was interrogating in the first place, as someone who is disgusted by loli hentai herself! yet for daring to even question the most common arguments here, she is inevitably billed as being "PRO-LOLICON" which must equal "PEDOPHILE" which must equal DIE and et cetera. same old "tranny is a pedo", different coat of paint. really disappointing to see essayists i'd previously considered quite thoughtful falling for this shit v_v i totally understand the impulse to just default to the popular position bc like yea it's an exceptionally tricky topic with exceptionally limited (if not outright negative for most) return on investment, but u don't gotta actively throw ur own kind under the bus in the process uknow. like lily wasn't even being directly pressed on the matter to my knowledge, she just inserted herself into the situation bc she saw an easy target, so i find it difficult to write off as merely begrudging self-preservation
in the aftermath of all this i saw a post pointing out that by conflating lolicon with CSEM ppl are "doing epstein's work for him" and while that is kind of a hyperbolic way to put it i do think the underlying sentiment is devastatingly true; who else but child exploiters stand to benefit from the muddying of the definition of child exploitation? who else but child exploiters stand to benefit from us bickering about Icky Drawings instead of confronting the harrowing reality? it sure as hell aint benefiting children! u are allowed to personally find The Weirdo Hentai off-putting but holy shit get some fucking perspective. anyway back to being less of a provocateur ^-^ just needed to get tht rant out of my system
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more on the point of "totally understand the impulse to just default to the popular position [...]" :: this is def smth i need to reckon with more when it comes to the most esoteric of my views in general, like being willing to accept that even some ppl i'm rather close with may fall into this camp, and that it doesn't mean we're necessarily Incompatible .. suppose that brings me back to the initial thought of the day tho, that weird dynamic of having to wonder what would happen if a positionally-uncertain friend dug deep enough into my works nd ramblings to find smth they'd instinctually disagree with, whether or not that'll be sufficient cause for my disposal, this discursive cloud looming over me .. but i would like to believe that when it comes to already-long-established friends (esp ones i hang out with on the regular) they would surely at least be willing to hear me out and recognize what is/is not actually occurring even if it did come to that . and the fact that the ppl im thinking of are already capable of recognizing the frivolity of the callout format nd such (based on prior banter & conversations) is my primary beacon of hope in this regard, like theyve already got the Foundation required to recognize the responsible way to interface w that kind of friction. Everything is a process
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dont know when ill have time to set this up but let it be known that in the future i would love for the 'visual' section of my site to feature super robust tagged sortable galleries like the one seen here and ideally have different galleries for different Contexts of visual art (i.e album covers vs. art assembled for its own sake alone and even memes [the inclusion of which would serve as a great illustration of my all-encompassing anarchic outlook on "art" as a category])
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it's funny how long i've been deliberating over whether or not i can reasonably induct david foster wallace into my list of primary writing influences without yet having 100% finished the first book of his i'm currently reading (infinite jest) . i'm over 700 pages in at this point which is like 3 average-length books' worth of material if u think abt it and i could already feel the influence seeping in way sooner than that so im jst gonna say fuck it and go ahead and add him. the honesty/accuracy of the list takes precedence over whether or not i've "earned" the "right" to invoke a given name :P
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just noticed the back button at the top of this page appears to be off-center (or actually i think it's the body of the whole page that's off-center from the button rather than vice versa) for some inexplicable reason but fuck it we ball . adds to the freeform nature of it all
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smth interesting i've noticed is how among a broad sect of the internet populous it seems as though sex negativity has finally fallen back out of fashion ? anecdotally speaking at least:: i see how the rowdiest among my Guy Friends — who for a time would have been the very same ppl scoffing at sexual humor w those reaction images along the lines of "Haha Get It The Joke Is Porn" or w/e — are not only regularly making willfully graphic jokes of that ilk at each other, but also openly exchanging links to softcore hentai drawings as like a half-humorous half-communal ritual of sorts, which again stands in stark contrast to the previous status quo among this sect of my social circle, who as i recall had just kinda quietly determined at some point that sharing porn with each other got to be 'weird' as we grew out of teendom. but now it's back! and kinda suddenly! and i'm not sure why this happened but it is kinda heartwarming to me. more broadly speaking u can also see this phenomenon in the lexical addition of "W Faps" / "W Goons", which can similarly operate with that sort of pseudo-ironic half-communal tonality from what i've gathered, albeit depending on context. it's like these ppl are starting to be willing to admit that jacking off is actually Really Fucking Normal and leave behind the "ughhhh freaking Gooners :/" mentality but the mask hasnt quite fully come off yet
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there is a possibility this page could backfire insofar as prompting my brain to like Manufacture thoughts suited for casual immortalization rather than let out what's already in there (bc there is smth oddly satisfying abt filling this page up with more and more text) but it is my hope that will calm down with time, we r still in the honeymoon period here
—jun 9 2026
in the aftermath of attending a seemingly unprecedented local pride event and making effortless conversation w/ someone there :: i have come to realize that contrary to my prior belief of many years, i am probably not actually an introvert
like its really just a matter of being around my ideal people
which was already made obvious by the fact of my historically near-constantly high energy in group voice chats w/ my online friends
it is only normies that make me behave reclusively
and unfortunately i simply do not often get the opportunity to break that mold IRL as opposed to online
—aug 6 2025
forgot to mention yesterday on the way back to the train station i swear to god i saw a truck go by that said "DYKE INDUSTRIES"
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now begins the getting used to having actual monitor-sized monitors again process ....
—aug 5 2025
the way back home has begun
managed to say goodbye without immediately crying my eyes out 0_0 the process is getting easier ..
helps to have the peace of mind of knowing The Train Method is so viable
this time i wasn’t assigned a specific seat for some reason so i jst kinda aimlessly roamed around til i found a good one
2 weeks def still feel like the perfect amount of time for these trips
plenty of time to do lots of stuff without too much pressure and i feel ready to go home by the end
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i see a guy producing in ableton rn that’s an awesome thing to just casually do on a train
—jul 30 2025
society if my gfs place didnt contain the loudest fucking chihuahua known to man
nothing can convince me those things arent demonspawn
—jul 25 2025
what if instead of sematary he was called sanatery and made songs about personal hygiene
—jul 21 2025
now on the train !
it was so fucking loud when it pulled up to the station
i could only cover one ear cuz my hands were full
but it’s chill now that i’m inside
even the cheaper coach class has been perfectly fine so far i don’t rly see how this is The Dirty Poor Experience
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i was struggling to figure out where the restroom might be and then i remembered where it is in the movie train to busan
so educational ❤️
weird experience tho it can get wobbly as hell in there
pissing during an earthquake
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made it to her house safely ^_^
—jul 19 2025
on monday i will be boarding a train for the first time ever 0_0
the meetup method has changed
—may 20 2025
had a rather funny response to the latest Random Spider Event (i threw my tissue box at it. this was not very effective
tthankfully reinforcements were called successfully
—may 14 2025
ths dentist appointment gave fairly good news considering i havent been there in like several years
dont have any actual cavities somehow
but apparently my teeth are weaker than average adn i really need to start flossmaxing or else ill need a lot of work done in the future
also will need my wisdom teeth removed sooner rather than later
one of them is even growing in sideways adn could damage a buncha other shit if it goes on like that
—may 13 2025
tfw internet briefly goes down for no discernible reason (as it tends to do occasionally) but by the time it comes back for a minute dad has started fucking around with the router and made it go down again because he must involve himself in everything
—may 11 2025
crazy how ceiling fans havent figured out a better method of control than pull the chain over and over until it randomly decides to do what you want
i have never been able to figure out where im at in the cycle
—apr 30 2025
iit;s my gf's birthday now she;s 22 and im 21 wtf!!!!!! we have a problematic age gap of 4 months 💔
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second side of homestuck epilogues complete ✅
incredibly funny reading all of that and being totally blown away by it then continuing where i left off in sarah z's homestuck vid only to hear her casually brush it off like Ermmmm Yea That Was NOT What The Fans Wanted and like ok man i guess the fans are just wrong about everything
im used to being the only one who actually gets the things i enjoy
—apr 29 2025
binged all ~300 pages of homestuck epilogues volume candy today alone
at this point im pretty sure ive done more book reading in april of 2025 than in the entire rest of my life combined
i also finished 1984 this morning
—apr 27 2025
ways in which the roxy radclyffe discography will specifically spite playlist users:
- if skits are present, include them as part of a song rather than their own dedicated interlude track (IN PROGRESS)
- make sure every song noticeably transitions smoothly into the next to form a continuous singular object (SOME DAY)
- publish the album as one long track regardless of how many distinct sections it may contain (DEFINITELY INEVITABLE)
Death to all but the Album
—apr 26 2025
had a small bite of ice cream for th first time (mint flavor) . this too was tragically meltier than expected
very unusual situation where the aftertaste was far better than the feeling of actually consuming it
—apr 25 2025
for th second time in my life i hav been offered a pizza and was so repulsed i couldnt even coax myself to take a test bite
not so lucky w this food but o well i dont regret agreeing to See it ,i liek that these visits give me opportunities to branch out
tbf tho andria said this particular one just wasnt very good evn by pizza standards after having a slice
and i am inclined to believe that even as an outsider
just looked way more squishy & slimy n shit than i was imagining
i need something i can Chomp on
—apr 24 2025
its absurd how often i see youtube commenters point something out only to be like EDIT: oh ok you actually mentioned that already
how is it not common sense to watch the video before commenting
this isnt even exclusive to particularly long videos !
the insatiable desire to thrust yourself into the conversation despite having no real insight iis a powerful thing
—apr 22 2025
i notice youtube auto captions have suddenly started using capitalization & punctuation with eerie accuracy
strange
—apr 19 2025
how it feels to reopen a project file after months and find out your past self got way more of it done than you remembered
—apr 9 2025
tabbing into discord on mobile keeps taking like upwards of 10 seconds to load and even relaunching doesn’t seem to fix it anymore
when that planned obsolescence hits 😝
they’ll have to pry this iphone xr from my cold dead hands
—apr 3 2025
realizing how odd it is that bohemian rhapsody is sometimes viewed as an "NPC" choice of favorite song bc the song itself is nowhere near generic even within its genre
like i guess it is a kind of baby's first weird song but even that is weirder than i would expect for something so ridiculously universal yknow
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best part of the new controller is how it just Works and i dont have to go desperately searching HOW TO MAKE xyz COMPATIBLE WITH STEAM CONTROLLER because nobody uses that shit
also must be a more ergonomic design bc i have not gotten the giga wrist pain of hell even with nearly a week of daily use
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dude how are we still not done with the circle icon plague
now tumblr has succumbed to it and also somehow discord applied it to windows notifications
i genuinely dont understand the thought process bc it seems directly at odds with the ruthlessly minimal Function Over Form mindset that has dominated corporate design for the past decade
making it so you cant see as much of the pfp is objectively less functional
it is purely a form thing
so Why
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skipping around the nintendo treehouse and im in awe at the hubris of their PAID TUTORIAL including a quiz about the console's features. theyre fuckin giving u homework
How well do you remember our awesome innovations :)
also very funny how the chat is such constant outrage over the pricing that even the shitty ai summary recognized it
never seen chat llike this in my life
nintendo needs to be humbled again they got too comfortable
the gamecube flopping gave us the wii and the wii u flopping gave us the switch
the cycle continues .
—apr 1 2025
this is the year i begin sympathizing with people who hate april fools day
really not feeling up to it this time
—mar 23 2025
tfw i just wanted to access my nintendo switch purchase history to help fill out my game diary but the battery was dead so i charged it for like an hour and barely got to 15% and then when i went to the eshop i was told i needed a system update and then i was told there's no internet so i spent like half an hour troubleshooting that and could not get it connect no matter what although i did get it to connect to a mobile hotspot but by the time i did that the battery was already back at 1% so its gonna take another hour of charging
Destroy All Technology
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how it feels to suddenly remember something u should do but then find out ur past self already took care of it and u simply forgot
thinking of tasks as making things easier for future roxy genuinely gives me more motivation in general
precisely for those moments
—mar 18 2025
there was a part in my dream where undertale got updated with a sprint functionality and the walk cycle for it was really overanimated like one of those nes mario shitposts
—mar 15 2025
earlier mom had to explain to dad why we weren't able to change the gender on any of my identification (hint: The Guy He Willingly Fucking Voted For) and he appeared to be genuinely baffled
im taking that with a grain of salt bc he's always on some level of disingenuous mind games but if theres even a modicum of truth there i have no idea how thats the case
how the hell are you gonna have fox news on 24/7 and not be aware that eliminating trans people from public life is a top-level gop position
its all they fuckin talk about besides le scary immigrants
—mar 13 2025
currently on dmv attempt 2
odds seem much better this time
had to get up slightly early for this bc we had to get smth notarized at the bank first
and then rush here asap
we got here 2 and a half hours sooner than last time and thankfully that seems to have been enough
was worried i’d have to get up Really early next time
there appears to be two other trans girls in this line
godspeed to them
unfortunately not potential irl friend material tho bc they look no older than like 15
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i got let in earlier than expected bc some other lady came by to check the line and apparently updating ur ID is worthy of prioritizing
besides the name i also succeeded in getting a more flattering angle for the photo
the devious “M” in the sex field will be no match for me …
i fuckin trimmed my eyebrows for this and everything
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at one point i was asked why i chose the name roxy and i just had to say "its a long story" because i am not about to explain to this dmv worker what furries are and what homestuck is
(as a reminder, the true backstory is: wanted an R name for my fursona --> some guy suggests "roxy" and later reveals he chose that as a reference to homestuck character roxy lalonde --> i eventually adopt my fursona's name as my real name)
—mar 10 2025
now in dmv line purgatory for the second time in my life (for updated id w the proper name
this one is even longer than last time ._.
despite our best efforts to show up early
and it’s raining
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ok nevermind got sent home bc the line was so long that it exceeded their limit for the whole day
incredible
wouldn’t be a dmv trip without something going wrong and having to make a second attempt next week
we’re gonna have to camp out absurdly early to even have a chance
it’s the fuckin dmv why is it always packed like a new console release
—feb 16 2025
it is so weird how often firefox's spellcheck will gaslight me and i have to manually add a completely real word to its dictionary
just now it underlined "synergize" for instance
—feb 2 2025
major consequence of cashews now being a core part of my diet: the tobuscus viral song is guaranteed to pop into my head at some point every single day
i am NEVER forgetting these things come from a fruit
—feb 1 2025
had the realization that i can't really think of any post-2016 youtube videos that are outright Nostalgic to me despite feeling nostalgia for certain non-youtube things past that era . like that specific medium is just uniquely immune now
the vibe shift was really just that strong
—jan 29 2025
🚨 NEW-ISH ROXY DIET ADDITION 🚨
i am now having fish sticks as my routine lunch instead of graham crackers
these were aweosme
there was a time where i was actively having fish sticks back when i was 9-ish but they mustve been a different brand bc i ended up having sensory issues w them and so i stopped
like w those old ones i always found myself peeling off the sides bc they got all crusty n shit idk how to explain it
but no such issue w the ones i just had
this is like what i was hoping to get out of the mozarella sticks
nice crispy bread thing w decently nutritional stuffing but without the goopy mess
—jan 28 2025
it's actually insane how effective these cashews are at keeping me filled while i'm either busy & delaying the next meal or anxiously waiting for it
both kinds of unnecessary self-destructive hunger have been completely eliminated
i am not used to having food that actually does its job
literally just snack on those for a few mins and im good
—jan 27 2025
🚨 NEW ROXY DIET ADDITION 🚨
Cashews are pretty decent :)
i was talking to my mom abt my lack of nutrients and how i frequently go to bed hungry despite having 5 "meals" per day and she offered those to try
i think i tried a couple once and didnt care for it but this time i gave it a better shot and they grew on me
still not crazy abt them but they're pleasant enough
that should help fill in those gaps while im still figuring out replacements for the core parts of this diet
just a solid healthy thing to snack on whenever i deem necessary
i remember always seeing nuts mentioned whenever i tried researching healthy weight gain foods so good to have something like that on hand now
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i've had this hypothesis that chan-brand transphobic lingo has become so cryptic & insular that it's completely ineffective at offending anyone in the wild and i am witnessing corroboration of this in real time
been tuned into sarah z's trans charity stream for a bit and there's this one person in chat sporadically dropping messages like that and literally no one has acknowledged it in any way
they have not been banned or anything
the fundamental contradiction w these people is that they try to use dogwhistles as if they're slurs
and those things just do not serve the same purpose
are you trying to sneakily signal to your base or trying to directly insult your targets
it can't be both at once
—jan 24 2025
i wish i could temporarily opt out of having such vivid dreams every night bc i feel like theyre making my brain fog harder to deal with
just having all this excess information floating around in my mind for the rest of the day and sometimes forgetting what was real
—jan 16 2025
started thinking about my one bizarre childhood experience w chick-fil-a
his wouldve been when i was like 9 or so
i convinced my mom to take me there just so i could see their playground area
and i was baffled by the way it was set up
normally i would imagine those restuarant play areas being out in the open right
but for some reason this one is just fuckin. locked away in a small rectangular room behind a door
iirc it at least had big windows covering most of the wall but it was still very isolating to go in there
the silence made me uncomfortable
and it was so cramped that the only thing there was just one big slide filling up the whole room
for some reason, instead of going up the stairs/ladder/whatever it was to reach the top, i start climbing into the tube to reach the top
and i get fucking jumpscared by this loud cartoon slide whistle sound effect which i guess is supposed to be motion activated as you're sliding down
but i activated it by climbing up
and that scarred me enough to just get the hell out of there
unironically that was a real-life liminal horror experience i wish i could get a proper visual of the area
—jan 15 2025
ive barely had andria's fidget cube for a month and the rolling side is already no longer working as intended
like the cogs have no resistance anymore and the ball can’t be clicked
my body is a machine that fidgets too hard
no cube can handle me
we'll see how long the other sides last
—jan 12 2025
might look into making a kofi page at some point this year since it seems to be the only platform of its kind that isnt complete dogshit or otherwise unviable atm (although i am open to suggestions)
patreon: some new policy change scandal every few months, totally unsustainable
subscribestar: by & for the far right, makes no attempt to hide it, still somehow widely adopted
onlyfans: Not yet.
i like that kofi just kinda does Everything and has built-in commission options n shit i feel like thatd be a more accessible way to do that
bc i know from experience how miserable it is to REACH OUT with YOUR WORDS as A SOCIAL PERSON rather than just filling out a form
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pulled off the most insane dm multitask sequence of my life jesus christ
5 people this time i think thats a new record
so-called Year of Trimming when THE SWARM arrives:
—jan 5 2025
24 hours without a new upload in my youtube subscriptions im in heaven
nature is healing
—jan 4 2025
day 2 of balatro and it already appeared in my dreams
they were not lying about that shit being crack
—jan 2 2025
me triple checking every time that i'm correctly clicking "Remove friend" and not accidentally typing up a message that says "Hello friend I miss you.. What if we kissed" and pressing enter and starting a video call and putting my credit card up to the camera
—jan 1 2025
i believe my theme for 2025 is Year of Trimming , sorta continuing 2024's Year of Unfinished Business but with a more specific emphasis on decreasing overwhelm and having fewer simultaneous plans by the end of it
whatever ends up happening with my projects i still expect to accomplish this in at least some capacity since there is the whole internet detox thing slotted for march
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now i wait for last.fm to realize what year it is so i can get an actually good wrapped of my listening habits ^_^
patience is a virtue . the mainstream services delivering their wraps the fucking instant it turns december is stupid !!!! december music exists !!!!
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first major act of trimming complete ✅ {looked thru all youtube subscriptions listed A-Z and pruned from there rather than jsut waiting for them to appear}
almost all the ones i cut were just completely dead channels but still
next will be scanning discord friends list for people i forgot existed